| Re: Breaking the wind (An Odenelle to Pirgaytes) by Bachus |
19-Aug-03/7:53 AM |
'I woke up to the smell of lawn
I wondered why my boots were gorne?'
Is an ace rhyme
other than that you shouldn't rhyme you twice and then with poo. I guess you got bored.
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| Re: deleted scenes by Bill Z Bub |
19-Aug-03/7:49 AM |
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wistful, quite sparse in its language but throws up a few nice phrases 'potato faced bully' is nice
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| Re: Starting Over by justjay |
19-Aug-03/7:46 AM |
OK flows kind of well. Well communicated.
Lacking in any real originality though
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| Re: a comment on drought on talkin river by richa |
17-Aug-03/6:54 AM |
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thanks, but I don't think I have changed it since your last comment.
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| Re: whilst the bells ring by richa |
14-Aug-03/7:11 AM |
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an old one of mine, I just deleted the last verse and changed a single line for housekeeping purposes
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| Re: The Lordy only knows why tornados have no nose by Bachus |
14-Aug-03/6:50 AM |
put the title after the poem and it sounds like the dialogue of a schizophrenic, which is worthy in itself.
mullberryfairy: 'why would anybody want two games of twister?'
'exactly!' -8-
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| Re: Padre's Gumbo by SupremeDreamer |
14-Aug-03/5:34 AM |
good poem, all the images link in so well
and your signature food metaphor
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| Re: Frozen by Mona Lisa |
12-Aug-03/8:55 AM |
good poem
'He wants to assert his power through sex,' is not needed as the poem communicates this fine.
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| Re: American Hiker by Garrett S Sexton |
12-Aug-03/8:51 AM |
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your writing always speaks of a writer of quality (and laziness)
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| Re: one day, one moment by crwncka1 |
12-Aug-03/8:50 AM |
A bit prosaic and lacking.
I like the idea of fog as burning away (like smoke).
Unless you are about to delve deep into philosophy I would leave 'the only thing real' well alone because it just sounds cliched.
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| Re: twilight by geewhiz1962 |
12-Aug-03/8:47 AM |
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OK at least shows signs of wanting to get to grips with the subject
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| Re: (The vinyards of Tuscany) by Patsy |
12-Aug-03/8:45 AM |
Not sure why the title is parenthesized is it because it is somehow incedental.
I like the lively use of language
'victims of a grape' sounds out of place though
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| Re: EARTH Inc. Memo: by SP REYNOLDS |
12-Aug-03/8:43 AM |
pretty enjoyable read
Would certainly go down well at a rally
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| Re: a comment on A Circle Starts with C by rusty |
8-Aug-03/7:54 AM |
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if that is what you wanted I guess my criticism may not have been warranted
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| Re: Inet. mag. editors R jealous red haired Jews, oh and I'm 29 by horus8 |
7-Aug-03/7:41 AM |
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good poem and well done for making it so far then!
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| Re: The Belgian Bookworm [revised] by DreamerSupreme |
7-Aug-03/6:41 AM |
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good, if you wanted to redraft it I would suggest making it a bit tighter. There are lots of nice images but there are gaps in between.
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| Re: Back to the Fistful of Haiku by HaikuMofo |
7-Aug-03/6:32 AM |
this is sixteen haikus. I think versed haikus are supposed to have some kind of theme running through them.
A good haiku should stand up on its own.
I think the first one does, it is quite good
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| Re: Emotion Dawns by Nightmare-Poet |
7-Aug-03/6:29 AM |
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I am always amazed at all the sad poems on here that employ nursery rhyme verse.
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| Re: Speaking my mind. Brilliant Idea! by thepinkbunnyofdoom |
7-Aug-03/6:27 AM |
first two verses are your best yet
the rest sounds a bit of a lecture though
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| Re: Definition of Hypocrisy by Retaliate |
7-Aug-03/6:25 AM |
mmm sounds just like england too. As for the poem it sounds a bit like a political speech. And you can not get more hypocritical than them.
good though
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