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drought on talkin river

Member since 2002 · Posted 14 Aug 2003 · Edited 16 Aug 2003 · 8 comments

the tributaries had lost their momentum since swell, and the run off had faded to no more than the shallow beat of a pebble, relentless as the beam of a lighthouse, the sun sifted salt from the wide mouth of the river, in hours held back by the treeless scoured landscape, meanderless and slow, which let the light through from the far fetch of warm europe; like the word of a gospel.

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9 votes so far. Yours would make 10.9 votes so far

8 comments

[8] Nicholas Jones 14-Aug-03/3:52 AM Reply

I like this a lot, there's a pleasing lyricism about it and yet the drought suggests a hint of evil beneath the surface. The final image of the gospel is powerful, suggesting the importance of light in the creation of the earth.

[9] Caducus 14-Aug-03/1:10 PM Reply

God your good

[n/a] <~> 14-Aug-03/6:45 PM Reply

much much more than youusually give us! smart.

2 quibbles:

1. tarns have mouths? since when? rivers do--not lakes.
2. comma at the end of L5, since the phrase's purpose is to modify.

nice work.

no vote yet.

[9] ecargo 14-Aug-03/8:00 PM Reply

You have great sounds in this, long and slow, and good unobtrusive alliteration. Z's right, though; this is a river mouth--the meandering, the salt. Great images--really fresh and accessible.

[10] horus8 14-Aug-03/8:11 PM Reply

Hot hot heat.

[10] INTRANSIT 16-Aug-03/5:34 PM Reply

definitely better. i never quite make the jump from 2 to 3 though. holding score.

[10] INTRANSIT 17-Aug-03/6:17 AM Reply

nice bridgework.

[n/a] richa › INTRANSIT 17-Aug-03/6:54 AM Reply

thanks, but I don't think I have changed it since your last comment.