on What you know by INTRANSIT
24 Aug 2003, 4:47 AM
certainly intriguing, needs a bit of resolution though.
Still plenty to get your teeth into
Still plenty to get your teeth into
on Lizzie Boredom by Bonehiss
24 Aug 2003, 4:45 AM
is this all first draft or just the letting one go part?
liked the ridiculing of the girl admiring a crap piece of art
should be devilled egg. Otherwise it would read de-viled which it certainly was not
liked the ridiculing of the girl admiring a crap piece of art
should be devilled egg. Otherwise it would read de-viled which it certainly was not
on Lizzie Boredom by Bonehiss
24 Aug 2003, 4:45 AM
is this all first draft or just the letting one go part?
liked the ridiculing of the girl admiring a crap piece of art
should be devilled egg. Otherwise it would read de-viled which it certainly was not
liked the ridiculing of the girl admiring a crap piece of art
should be devilled egg. Otherwise it would read de-viled which it certainly was not
on summer heat blues by peaceseeker
24 Aug 2003, 4:40 AM
hermaphrodite pickle?
anyway enjoyed this 'night out'
anyway enjoyed this 'night out'
on On The Floor of the Hospital by Fear of Garbage
24 Aug 2003, 3:43 AM
imagery is bordering on disturbing.
'On the floor' is a nice touch. Are they actually on the floor uncared for, or a hospital floor.
Not sure I grasp the plant metaphor though.
Maybe it is about a plant? with a brain?
'On the floor' is a nice touch. Are they actually on the floor uncared for, or a hospital floor.
Not sure I grasp the plant metaphor though.
Maybe it is about a plant? with a brain?
replying on quarter-step (abridged) by richa
24 Aug 2003, 3:32 AM
never said I preferred a waltz to a march.
The first line is saying waltz is a march missing something.
And therefore must be fixed.
the poem is about skewed logic of us, our vision of the world.
The first line is saying waltz is a march missing something.
And therefore must be fixed.
the poem is about skewed logic of us, our vision of the world.
replying on quarter-step (abridged) by richa
21 Aug 2003, 12:13 PM
I am a few years younger than you my friend
replying on The Belgian Bookworm [revised] by DreamerSupreme
21 Aug 2003, 10:05 AM
grab away,
on trying to cross the border to Sweetgrass by Patsy
21 Aug 2003, 10:02 AM
Good, quite political I think, but does not descend into a rant because the language is fresh and original.
replying on quarter-step (abridged) by richa
21 Aug 2003, 9:49 AM
I see socratic teaching from the wise one.
I'll bite: it was just a defence of something for somethings sake. Kind of like part of a finished plan (every hair is numbered etc).
beautiful is not useful, that kind of thing
I'll bite: it was just a defence of something for somethings sake. Kind of like part of a finished plan (every hair is numbered etc).
beautiful is not useful, that kind of thing
replying on The Belgian Bookworm [revised] by DreamerSupreme
21 Aug 2003, 6:34 AM
Papa, how I miss you,
as I sit alone with a glass (of wine.)
((of)) summer Home Sauvignon Blanc,
the drink you always favored.
Your face would be in a book
as you slowly ate.
Michael Crichton, Dick Francis,
Clive Cussler, and Tom Clancy-
(Just a few of your favorite authors
in your large library.)
Blue-grey eyes would be hidden
behind thick glasses as you
quickly scanned the pages
(line for line.)
(Your mind) leisurely digested ((ing)) the words
with a silent appreciation.
I recall how annoyed you would get
when I asked what you were reading.
Your answers would inspire
a whole set of new questions.
Your patience (was) tested
as you calmly answered each one.
Learning quickly, I made sure
not to disturb you in your pure adoration
of fiction.
My eyes stare now at that empty chair;
your jeweled throne.
My ears miss (the sound
of) your quiet turning of pages,
and the gentle chimes
of ice colliding with glass
in that grapey ocean.
My soul misses the
wine that you sipped in
modest amounts, that bitter
royal beverage.
the single brackets I put in are lines that don't really add anything. The are redundant.
The double brackets suggestions to add.
When I say tighten what I mean is make the poem shorter so that every line is forced to extract the maximum poetic value.
Bear in mind though that with brevity you sometimes sacrifice clarity.
as I sit alone with a glass (of wine.)
((of)) summer Home Sauvignon Blanc,
the drink you always favored.
Your face would be in a book
as you slowly ate.
Michael Crichton, Dick Francis,
Clive Cussler, and Tom Clancy-
(Just a few of your favorite authors
in your large library.)
Blue-grey eyes would be hidden
behind thick glasses as you
quickly scanned the pages
(line for line.)
(Your mind) leisurely digested ((ing)) the words
with a silent appreciation.
I recall how annoyed you would get
when I asked what you were reading.
Your answers would inspire
a whole set of new questions.
Your patience (was) tested
as you calmly answered each one.
Learning quickly, I made sure
not to disturb you in your pure adoration
of fiction.
My eyes stare now at that empty chair;
your jeweled throne.
My ears miss (the sound
of) your quiet turning of pages,
and the gentle chimes
of ice colliding with glass
in that grapey ocean.
My soul misses the
wine that you sipped in
modest amounts, that bitter
royal beverage.
the single brackets I put in are lines that don't really add anything. The are redundant.
The double brackets suggestions to add.
When I say tighten what I mean is make the poem shorter so that every line is forced to extract the maximum poetic value.
Bear in mind though that with brevity you sometimes sacrifice clarity.
replying on quarter-step (abridged) by richa
21 Aug 2003, 5:32 AM
what want refers to what would motivate anyone to want to change a waltz to a march. Kind of old fashioned phraseology.
the answer being a selfish want. Rock garden and resevoir are man made, nature harnessed for mans selfish needs.
That is why the wind slant on the rocks is out of kilter.
In their natural environment the rocks slant would be consistent and indicate where the weathering (like eroding) elements came from.
Hope this makes it easier to understand.
the answer being a selfish want. Rock garden and resevoir are man made, nature harnessed for mans selfish needs.
That is why the wind slant on the rocks is out of kilter.
In their natural environment the rocks slant would be consistent and indicate where the weathering (like eroding) elements came from.
Hope this makes it easier to understand.
on The Better of the Sea by abecedarian
21 Aug 2003, 5:22 AM
Good this, nice use of language.
The last line was funny, but 'rusting ass'?
well set up
The last line was funny, but 'rusting ass'?
well set up
on A Mod Proposal (of Modest Proportions) by coolassbob
21 Aug 2003, 5:17 AM
quite a packed poem here
not sure about the parentheticals though
not sure about the parentheticals though
on Wolverines, me, and the last American Buffalo. by <{Baba^Yaga}>
21 Aug 2003, 5:14 AM
and what wavelength are you on?
This sounds like some manic persons conversation.
Very inventive
This sounds like some manic persons conversation.
Very inventive
on How A Panhandler Kills by SupremeDreamer
21 Aug 2003, 5:09 AM
Interesting story, well put accross.
Not sure about the know it all tramp though. The bit about the adultress and stuff sounds a little 'dawsons creek.'
And portraying the tramps life as happy and contented I find a bit strange. But the comparison between the two is rather good.
It could just as easily be about the remorse of toyota man thinking what he had compared to the tramp.
anyway good piece
Not sure about the know it all tramp though. The bit about the adultress and stuff sounds a little 'dawsons creek.'
And portraying the tramps life as happy and contented I find a bit strange. But the comparison between the two is rather good.
It could just as easily be about the remorse of toyota man thinking what he had compared to the tramp.
anyway good piece
on The Grave (thanks to z) by Mr Pig
19 Aug 2003, 1:44 PM
your word selection always intrigues, 'syntax' and 'appropriate catholicism' are particularly effective in conveying how detached ritual is from death.
on Jack Frost by Kitch
19 Aug 2003, 7:56 AM
Grim writing, quite liked it
is when this really gets going. Certainly memorable.