| Re: Trollop: A Married Mans Revenge by DreamerSupreme |
24-Aug-03/4:52 AM |
penultimate verse: you were so beautiful....
is when this really gets going. Certainly memorable.
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| Re: What you know by INTRANSIT |
24-Aug-03/4:47 AM |
certainly intriguing, needs a bit of resolution though.
Still plenty to get your teeth into
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| Re: Lizzie Boredom by Bonehiss |
24-Aug-03/4:45 AM |
is this all first draft or just the letting one go part?
liked the ridiculing of the girl admiring a crap piece of art
should be devilled egg. Otherwise it would read de-viled which it certainly was not
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| Re: Lizzie Boredom by Bonehiss |
24-Aug-03/4:45 AM |
is this all first draft or just the letting one go part?
liked the ridiculing of the girl admiring a crap piece of art
should be devilled egg. Otherwise it would read de-viled which it certainly was not
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| Re: summer heat blues by peaceseeker |
24-Aug-03/4:40 AM |
hermaphrodite pickle?
anyway enjoyed this 'night out'
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| Re: On The Floor of the Hospital by Fear of Garbage |
24-Aug-03/3:43 AM |
imagery is bordering on disturbing.
'On the floor' is a nice touch. Are they actually on the floor uncared for, or a hospital floor.
Not sure I grasp the plant metaphor though.
Maybe it is about a plant? with a brain?
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| Re: a comment on quarter-step (abridged) by richa |
24-Aug-03/3:32 AM |
never said I preferred a waltz to a march.
The first line is saying waltz is a march missing something.
And therefore must be fixed.
the poem is about skewed logic of us, our vision of the world.
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| Re: a comment on quarter-step (abridged) by richa |
21-Aug-03/12:13 PM |
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I am a few years younger than you my friend
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| Re: a comment on The Belgian Bookworm [revised] by DreamerSupreme |
21-Aug-03/10:05 AM |
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| Re: trying to cross the border to Sweetgrass by Patsy |
21-Aug-03/10:02 AM |
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Good, quite political I think, but does not descend into a rant because the language is fresh and original.
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| Re: a comment on quarter-step (abridged) by richa |
21-Aug-03/9:49 AM |
I see socratic teaching from the wise one.
I'll bite: it was just a defence of something for somethings sake. Kind of like part of a finished plan (every hair is numbered etc).
beautiful is not useful, that kind of thing
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| Re: a comment on The Belgian Bookworm [revised] by DreamerSupreme |
21-Aug-03/6:34 AM |
Papa, how I miss you,
as I sit alone with a glass (of wine.)
((of)) summer Home Sauvignon Blanc,
the drink you always favored.
Your face would be in a book
as you slowly ate.
Michael Crichton, Dick Francis,
Clive Cussler, and Tom Clancy-
(Just a few of your favorite authors
in your large library.)
Blue-grey eyes would be hidden
behind thick glasses as you
quickly scanned the pages
(line for line.)
(Your mind) leisurely digested ((ing)) the words
with a silent appreciation.
I recall how annoyed you would get
when I asked what you were reading.
Your answers would inspire
a whole set of new questions.
Your patience (was) tested
as you calmly answered each one.
Learning quickly, I made sure
not to disturb you in your pure adoration
of fiction.
My eyes stare now at that empty chair;
your jeweled throne.
My ears miss (the sound
of) your quiet turning of pages,
and the gentle chimes
of ice colliding with glass
in that grapey ocean.
My soul misses the
wine that you sipped in
modest amounts, that bitter
royal beverage.
the single brackets I put in are lines that don't really add anything. The are redundant.
The double brackets suggestions to add.
When I say tighten what I mean is make the poem shorter so that every line is forced to extract the maximum poetic value.
Bear in mind though that with brevity you sometimes sacrifice clarity.
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| Re: a comment on quarter-step (abridged) by richa |
21-Aug-03/5:32 AM |
what want refers to what would motivate anyone to want to change a waltz to a march. Kind of old fashioned phraseology.
the answer being a selfish want. Rock garden and resevoir are man made, nature harnessed for mans selfish needs.
That is why the wind slant on the rocks is out of kilter.
In their natural environment the rocks slant would be consistent and indicate where the weathering (like eroding) elements came from.
Hope this makes it easier to understand.
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| Re: The Better of the Sea by abecedarian |
21-Aug-03/5:22 AM |
Good this, nice use of language.
The last line was funny, but 'rusting ass'?
well set up
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| Re: A Mod Proposal (of Modest Proportions) by coolassbob |
21-Aug-03/5:17 AM |
quite a packed poem here
not sure about the parentheticals though
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| Re: Wolverines, me, and the last American Buffalo. by <{Baba^Yaga}> |
21-Aug-03/5:14 AM |
and what wavelength are you on?
This sounds like some manic persons conversation.
Very inventive
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| Re: How A Panhandler Kills by SupremeDreamer |
21-Aug-03/5:09 AM |
Interesting story, well put accross.
Not sure about the know it all tramp though. The bit about the adultress and stuff sounds a little 'dawsons creek.'
And portraying the tramps life as happy and contented I find a bit strange. But the comparison between the two is rather good.
It could just as easily be about the remorse of toyota man thinking what he had compared to the tramp.
anyway good piece
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| Re: I by Rodavlas |
20-Aug-03/12:04 PM |
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but I'll put it on poemranker anyway see what everyone thinks?
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| Re: The Grave (thanks to z) by Mr Pig |
19-Aug-03/1:44 PM |
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your word selection always intrigues, 'syntax' and 'appropriate catholicism' are particularly effective in conveying how detached ritual is from death.
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| Re: Jack Frost by Kitch |
19-Aug-03/7:56 AM |
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Grim writing, quite liked it
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