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The Better of the Sea (Free verse) by abecedarian Diesel fumes had weeks ago given way
to an imposed and permanent
silent drifting
whose own mephitic lullabye
repels all surprise.
I slept bell after bell
Rope after rope
Fish after fish
In my dirty cotton hammock
Twelve knots of repair
Mark my time away from home
My boredom often permits a daydream
where those same knots are no longer in my hammock
but under the waters surface
being dragged in our wake
But by St. Osmund's testicles
tonight that hammock got the better of the sea -
knots undone, it dropped my rusting ass to the deck!
And now as I look out over the water
I swear I feel a breeze
Up the ladder:
Call Vegas!!!
Down the ladder:
Keep Your Mouth Shut and Your Gun Loaded
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.5333333
Posted: August 20, 2003 4:47 PM PDT; Last modified: August 24, 2003 9:26 PM PDTWeighted score: 6.3505554 Overall Rank: 826 Comments:
Well, I don't know why you'd have to be doing something "productive" other than sailing, but that aside:
There's good stuff here to be chiseled out. Too many modifiers. Why a "dull" permanance? How 'bout a "silent sail"? Lose "caring." Kill the ending. space . . . i believe in . . . jefry with one f, jef-ry
Well the ending didn't deserve to die, I just stripped it of its rank and title. Absolutely right about the word choices, though.
My chainsaw was dull, I'll try not to let it happen again.
I once sailed to Catalina with my friend, and the boat started leaking and i screamed like a crooked wristed woman and run amuck in a tiff.
at least you had excitement :)
nice work.. just one thing bugs me:
Whose cradling caring grip take the word caring and toss it into a trashcan.. its useless filler.. that makes the line weak.. it made my eyes sore.. blessed with nine
good call
Good this, nice use of language.
The last line was funny, but 'rusting ass'? well set up
hmm yeah I thought about the rusting ass.
I decided that I like that phrase, but it needed something.... Ah yes! St. Osmund's testicles! That's exactly what it needed!
Oh, yes indeed! Nice edit! "Mephitic" is my new favorite word.
(gratitude)
I hate people who write sailing verse better than I. Grrr. I pray... I pray..... something nasty and including a great white whale. I think I've just poxed myself.lol
heh
I enjoyed your poem, and it held my interest. Not that I have a short attention span. I havn't owned a T.V. in eight years. With most poems, I read the first few lines and see no reason to finish. I think what they lack is a hook. Not like a hook in a Pop song, but the kind that makes you wonder whats next. I suppose it just boils down to creativity, weather it be what the poem is about or how it's told, there needs to be something unusual. Your poem was beautiful because it took me to a place I have not been. Thanks (10)
Thank you.
this just keeps getting better. nice job.
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(Noxious diesel fumes vs./ being stranded)
(Getting dropped on your ass vs./ being bored)
-How humour often arises under odd circumstances
-And a small preachy bit about how situtations are mostly what we make of them.