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The Grave (thanks to z)

Member since 2003 · Posted 19 Aug 2003 · Edited 20 Aug 2003 · 9 comments

Salt falls on veneer Veiled in pauperâs wood, The clock-watching chaplain sweats As I refuse to leave you. Staring at your headstone, Looking at its immortalized syntax Chosen at random by your rushed mother Who coped when I faltered. Itâs quiet here, and fragrant colors are riot near. At least youâre under the willow You liked the thought of it weeping above you And all I can say, in predictable cliche, Is, God, how much I love you. I stare at the topaz clouds, damasking heaven's constant eye, Wondering as I'm watching you If you are watching I. For now, I want to believe-- People always do, when they grieve. Your epitaph, emblazoned in appropriate Catholicism: Words describing an everyman. It doesnât matter to me, For you are inscribed on my soul.

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9 comments

[8] richa 19-Aug-03/1:44 PM Reply

your word selection always intrigues, 'syntax' and 'appropriate catholicism' are particularly effective in conveying how detached ritual is from death.

[n/a] <~> 19-Aug-03/2:34 PM Reply

[you speak of her in both second and 3rd person--in this edit, I made it all 2nd, as she is so very near, still.] witness, the z edit:

Salt falls on veneer
Veiled in pauperâs wood,
The clock-watching chaplain sweats
As I refuse to leave you.

Staring at your headstone,
Looking at its immortalized syntax
Chosen at random by your rushed mother
Who coped when I faltered.

Itâs quiet here, and
fragrant colors are riot near.
At least youâre under the willow
You liked the thought of it weeping above you
And all I can say, in predictable cliche,
Is, God, how much I love you.

I stare
at the topaz clouds,
damasking heavens constant eye,
Wondering as I'm watching you
If you are watching I.
For now, I want to believe--
People always do, when they grieve.

Your epitaph,
emblazoned in appropriate Catholicism:
Words describing an everyman.
It doesnât matter to me,
For you are inscribed on my soul.

[n/a] Mr Pig › <~> 19-Aug-03/3:49 PM Reply

I am taking your advice and I thank you for your careful eye.

[n/a] Mr Pig › <~> 19-Aug-03/3:52 PM Reply

Any thoughts Ms Z?

[n/a] <~> › Mr Pig 19-Aug-03/5:28 PM Reply

i like this very much, pig. some lovely moments, here.
favorites:

its immortalized syntax

fragrant colors are riot

And all I can say, in predictable cliche,
Is, God, how much I love you

topaz clouds,
damasking heaven's constant eye [oops--you need an apostrophe in heaven's]

emblazoned in appropriate Catholicism

the only part i am so/so on is "For you are inscribed on my soul." agh. whenever someone brings up 'soul' in a love and loss poem, it sounds cliched. unless handled with delicate mastery. i dare not do it myself for another 3 decades. think of all that i must learn and unlearn before i turn that phrase! and besides, you deftly dispensed with cliche in the preceding stanzas. so, what can you do about it?

i don't know.

beautiful work, pig.

[10] Bachus 19-Aug-03/7:42 PM Reply

Gilameshtic

[9] Joe-joe 20-Aug-03/3:56 AM Reply

Mr. Pig,

Really nice work. There is some good work on this site but many times I am left untouched by pieces that are well crafted but without real meaning. This work hit home in a powerful way. I really enjoyed reading it. Joe.

P.S As usual, I think Z was right on the mark with her comments. She's a serious and classy lady isn't she?

[n/a] Mr Pig › Joe-joe 20-Aug-03/5:01 AM Reply

She's too classy for this site my young fry thats for sure. But yes she is an artform of feminine beauty. (I wouldn't like to cross her though sunshine)

[7] Jill Stockinger 27-Dec-20/3:54 PM Reply

poorly said: "fragrant colors are riot near"
I most enjoyed the first 2 stanzas and the last one.
The poem captures strong emotion.