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What you know (Free verse) by INTRANSIT 10-12-02
You sweat from your heart.
The sun wants to turn rocks over and reveal
your secrets. The air is tense, thirsty
and waiting for a decision. A lizard appears,
then turrets its eyes at you as
if it knows something that you do not,
then hurries away. You try to become the
dirt as it both clings to you and rejects
you. The ground never stops moving. And
when the storms come, you see hell
as a nicer place to be. You imagine your
home, wife, kids, friends. Your friends
who don't know who you are, or what you
might become. Friends who lean on you
because you are there. Back to back.
Face to face with superiors who know you
by name when you don't know when that
single foreign particle might break your
femur, your lung. You know that you are
there because not everyone needs to feel
this. You know that you are here and they
are there, and every day that passes
the world slips into a deeper blue.
So you sit, sweating amongst the wreckage
in this junkyard of bodies, hoping for an end.
Any....end.
Up the ladder:
Pina Colada Belle
Down the ladder:
Sparrow (Title Suggestions Wanted)
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.8
Posted: August 23, 2003 7:37 AM PDT; Last modified: October 1, 2003 5:00 PM PDTWeighted score: 5.2145653 Overall Rank: 4347 Comments:
[7]
Don-Quixote @ 204.31.171.78
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23-Aug-03/7:41 AM
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Reply
blessed with 7. enjoyed reading it.
[n/a]
INTRANSIT @ 66.208.199.194
> Don-Quixote
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23-Aug-03/7:45 AM
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Reply
Thanks. I know there's a lot right, and a lot wrong, here. I'm on the road and gotta keep moving. I'll tweak it for adjustment at a later time.
[7]
Don-Quixote @ 204.31.171.78
> INTRANSIT
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23-Aug-03/7:56 AM
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ah well, time exists for editing always.. check out trollop: A Married Mans Revenge, its my latest shot at murder. heh. hows your morning by the way?
weightless
As always your writing intrigues. I had a problem with line 2 its a bit of a flow killer.
However the way you used lizard was good, though they tend to turret their eyes other than move due to their prey instict. The best for me was where you went with the message and your strength for me has always been that you have a strong beginning, middle, and end, a depth in words yet with a clarity of expression. 8
yep. thanks, the eye turreting is better. obviously you're into reptile husbandry? I miss my 'guana.
certainly intriguing, needs a bit of resolution though.
Still plenty to get your teeth into
I need help with the "face to face" line. any ideas?
very nicely pu.
but, theses lines--there is too much knowing: "Face to face with stones who know you by name when you don't know when that single foreign particle will break your femur, your lung. You know that you are" stones--face--blank--stones can't know. it's not that they don't know--but even if they did know, could they pronounce it?
you have quite an original writing style. I always enjoy the read. sad and lonely, especially like the last few lines.
A precious observation of self. I would remove the date and end it like.
"in this junkyard of bodies, hoping for an end to these means."
damn you horus. You're too good. I hadn't even realized how much of myself I had put into this. holy fuck! thanks bro.
So, was it a Monster Mash? Or mashed potatoes.
resurrection of the old. ITS JUDGEMENT DAY!
I like the content, but the flow is somewhat choppy, hard to follow. Nice thought.
Brilliant, thats all i can say.
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