What you know

Member since 2002 · Posted 23 Aug 2003 · Edited 1 Oct 2003 · 15 comments

10-12-02 You sweat from your heart. The sun wants to turn rocks over and reveal your secrets. The air is tense, thirsty and waiting for a decision. A lizard appears, then turrets its eyes at you as if it knows something that you do not, then hurries away. You try to become the dirt as it both clings to you and rejects you. The ground never stops moving. And when the storms come, you see hell as a nicer place to be. You imagine your home, wife, kids, friends. Your friends who don't know who you are, or what you might become. Friends who lean on you because you are there. Back to back. Face to face with superiors who know you by name when you don't know when that single foreign particle might break your femur, your lung. You know that you are there because not everyone needs to feel this. You know that you are here and they are there, and every day that passes the world slips into a deeper blue. So you sit, sweating amongst the wreckage in this junkyard of bodies, hoping for an end. Any....end.

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5 votes so far. Yours would make 6.5 votes so far

15 comments

[7] Don-Quixote 23-Aug-03/7:41 AM Reply

blessed with 7. enjoyed reading it.

[n/a] INTRANSIT › Don-Quixote 23-Aug-03/7:45 AM Reply

Thanks. I know there's a lot right, and a lot wrong, here. I'm on the road and gotta keep moving. I'll tweak it for adjustment at a later time.

[7] Don-Quixote › INTRANSIT 23-Aug-03/7:56 AM Reply

ah well, time exists for editing always.. check out trollop: A Married Mans Revenge, its my latest shot at murder. heh. hows your morning by the way?

[n/a] Fear of Garbage 23-Aug-03/11:52 AM Reply

weightless

[8] Caducus 23-Aug-03/12:17 PM Reply

As always your writing intrigues. I had a problem with line 2 its a bit of a flow killer.

However the way you used lizard was good, though they tend to turret their eyes other than move due to their prey instict. The best for me was where you went with the message and your strength for me has always been that you have a strong beginning, middle, and end, a depth in words yet with a clarity of expression.

8

[n/a] INTRANSIT › Caducus 26-Aug-03/3:00 PM Reply

yep. thanks, the eye turreting is better. obviously you're into reptile husbandry? I miss my 'guana.

[7] richa 24-Aug-03/4:47 AM Reply

certainly intriguing, needs a bit of resolution though.

Still plenty to get your teeth into

[n/a] INTRANSIT › richa 26-Aug-03/3:01 PM Reply

I need help with the "face to face" line. any ideas?

[6] <~> › INTRANSIT 26-Aug-03/7:06 PM Reply

very nicely pu.

but, theses lines--there is too much knowing:

"Face to face with stones who know you
by name when you don't know when that
single foreign particle will break your
femur, your lung. You know that you are"

stones--face--blank--stones can't know. it's not that they don't know--but even if they did know, could they pronounce it?

[9] AuntyM 27-Aug-03/10:14 AM Reply

you have quite an original writing style. I always enjoy the read. sad and lonely, especially like the last few lines.

[9] horus8 27-Aug-03/12:55 PM Reply

A precious observation of self. I would remove the date and end it like.

"in this junkyard of bodies, hoping for an end
to these means."

[n/a] INTRANSIT › horus8 27-Aug-03/3:19 PM Reply

damn you horus. You're too good. I hadn't even realized how much of myself I had put into this. holy fuck! thanks bro.

So, was it a Monster Mash? Or mashed potatoes.

[n/a] SupremeDreamer 10-Sep-03/10:40 AM Reply

resurrection of the old. ITS JUDGEMENT DAY!

[7] J.B. Manning 10-Sep-03/12:50 PM Reply

I like the content, but the flow is somewhat choppy, hard to follow. Nice thought.

[8] mrpresident 2-Oct-03/1:54 AM Reply

Brilliant, thats all i can say.