Re: Relive the Fifth by Miggy	8-Mar-06/3:53 AM
This is great in places as a lyric, but other areas don't hold up as well in my view. Stanza 1 is nice, but stanza 2 is a little...erm...I don't really know how to describe it. 'You started a positive change'? I don't like that - not meaning to be rude, but I think you could find a more imaginative way of phrasing it. The schoolfight bit is pretty good, although a little Utopian I fear, and the ending isn't bad either. I just feel that with a but more imaginative wordplay this would get a whole lot better.
Re: Memoirs of a Monk - St. Screamer by SupremeDreamer	8-Mar-06/3:49 AM
This is so damn funky! Absolute demon opener, and 'decayed ghosts' is very nice too.
Re: Breakfast by Dhanesh M Kumar	8-Mar-06/3:40 AM
Last two lines don't make grammatical sense; the number doesn't agree. Either you mean 'Many others' bones', or you mean 'An other's bone'. 'Seamless joy?' I don't know the statistics, but I'm prepared to bet that the number of people killed in conflict with the troops is fewer (or will very soon be fewer) than the number of people killed by the militants' bombs, which, I should add, are generally planted to cause maximum carnage whereas the intentions of the troops, especially the British troops, is to cause as little damage as possible and actually save lives. Yes! I know it's an astonishing concept to grasp, but our boys actually travelled thousands of miles from home, subjected themselves to all kinds of abuse from the people they were trying to protect, and selflessly risk their own lives on a daily basis because they genuinely want to make life better for the Iraqis. As for the oil - well of course it's a priority. It's the main source of income for the country. Iraq needs those oilfields to be protected more than the Americans do. But oil being the reason for war? Rubbish. I used to think that it was, then I realised how stupid a concept it was. What would be easier - ignoring the UN, amassing troops and sending them to probable death while capturing a dangerous war criminal, then spending huge amounts of time and effort trying to rebuild the country that the oil is in, all the while risking a second Vietnam...or would it be easier to ignore the UN and just go and drill the Arctic Circle, thus avoiding all that 'unjust war' bullshit? None of us like war, none of us want to see our own people get killed, and most of us despise the way our troops are treated. You take a very simplistic view of us, of the Americans in particular, and I'm afraid it's wrong. Most of the people on this site are testament to that. And so I ask you; would you rather Saddam Hussein and the Taliban been left controlling their respective countries? (PS as I remember, the Americans were attacked first, correct me if I'm wildly wrong)
Re: killer boredom butterfly (psychedelic) by nentwined	7-Mar-06/4:31 PM
I just can't stop loving this. I think I'm going to write a Pimple about how much I love it and how it will never love me.
Re: missing pieces by mystic enoch	7-Mar-06/3:17 PM
The first few lines reminded me of one of those dreaded Christmas CD tunes...luckily I don't know the name of the song otherwise I would have to go and wash my ears out with hot rubber, which is never a joyful hobby.
Re: Four Seasons by mystic enoch	7-Mar-06/3:09 PM
Heh, quite nice - although I think you meant 'shone' (line 6). I do like the last two lines, they made me smile. An 8 should undo some of the damage caused by rockmage's (rather impressive) zeroing marathon.
Re: Man Enough For Me by mystic enoch	7-Mar-06/3:05 PM
You're looking for an IKEA flat-packed, six-packed, self-assemble insta-chap. Sadly they went off the production line shortly after market research revealed that they didn't actually exist. Scientific theory now suggests that you go for a slightly more tricky option and grow one. You don't have to grow him from scratch, but even the finest specimen requires a little personal cultivation. It might not be quick and convenient, but I'm sure it'll be more rewarding in the long run. We're not all totally useless though, honest.
Re: Wish You Were Here by mystic enoch	7-Mar-06/2:57 PM
I actually quite like this...not original, but sweet nonetheless. As Mr. M. Stipe once said, sweetness follows. PS - Bollocks to Internet Exploder for repeatedly screwing up as I'm posting comments...
Re: Read me by mystic enoch	7-Mar-06/2:50 PM
I've read you. And I think that you could write yourself more effectively. Let me explain. You have nobody to share your thoughts with - therefore you write poetry as a means of sharing them. This is a good start. Yet it could, poetically speaking, get so much better from there onwards. Try writing this in metaphor. Don't write it from the first person; as it stands you are spoonfeeding the reader this whereas you want to make said reader think about what you're saying. It's quite tricky for me to explain what I mean without writing your poem out for you - but I've tried something similar (although with a different purpose) in my 'Struggling Poet's Lament'. Basically, I want to read about you, but I want it to be a game of hide-and-seek rather than just seeing you straight away. Does that make sense? If not, I'll try and rephrase what I said. 7...you're doing okay :)
Re: a comment on Piano by Dovina	7-Mar-06/1:26 PM
I didn't know that crocodiles smile, but I always pictured them having very smug expressions on their faces just before they ate the hapless explorer... Yeah, I thought harmonies might be going too far - who knows, maybe it'll feature some other time? (Yes, I admit to being unnecessarily optimistic sometimes...) Anyway, I look forward to seeing what you do with this poem!
Re: a comment on Piano by Dovina	7-Mar-06/12:59 PM
Sure thing. I love the image of a piano as a monster; it's something that would have never occurred to me! So muchos credit for originality. However, the scales were all but crying out to be embellished; the hide of a dragon or alligator sprang to mind (particularly when you then talked about smiles and tears, and then stepping stones; perfect crocodile material in my book - if the imagery is already meant to be there, it just needs teasing out a little more). You seem to be suggesting in stanza 4 that you thought you could tame the monster (mastery of music, yes?) If so, I would love to see you talking about tying it up with chords. Cheesy wordplay I know, but it would make my day! You might also want to consider playing with the danger - the harm(onies). Seriously, I know they sound like awful puns, but it could work. If I'm going too far with these, feel free to throw things at me - chairs, tables, pianos etc. 'Jazzed' feels great in this piece - perhaps combine it with the teeth, make me think 'jagged'. I really do like the 'white spears and black daggers', although as far as connotations go it's almost a complete reversal - I think black spears and white daggers (Zulus and colonial field marshals). 'These monstrous teeth' - great line, and despite the relative simplicity of it I think the last line is very good, very effective too. Use these ideas as you wish - it could be that they lend too much weight to the 'monster' imagery and detract from the music...see what you think.
Re: Whom I Adore by Hawaiian Lust	7-Mar-06/12:44 PM
Welcome to poemranker! The poem -- It's a very sweet sentiment; I'm genuinely glad that you have someone to write about - and long may it last. However, poetically this is in for some criticism. It is a typical 'first post' on poemranker (mine was no better), and as you look round at other poems here you will see that the rhymes have been used a million times before. I have absolutely no doubt that the rhymes are original to you - we all start somewhere - but if you want the reader to sit up and pay attention to what you're saying you will need to find something new, something vividly interesting. 'You/true', 'tears/fears', 'love/above' in particular feature in probably 75 percent of rhyming poetry. The trick is to let your imagination run riot; invent new metaphors (allegorical writing gets you bonus points every time), new ways of looking at a situation. I've found that just writing free verse is the best way of starting at this; it allows you to write without constraining yourself too much to metre and rhyme. Another point specific to this poem is that it opens with you addressing one person, but you then turn to the rest of us and start talking to us about him. Keep some consistency to it; personally I wouldn't include the first stanza. Also - this is a universal suggestion - try to limit the amount of pronouns you use. Especially if you want to write something to which the reader can relate, it doesn't help if you say 'I' every line (it gets a bit tedious to read as well). Okay, so I've given a bit of critique (which I hope will be of use to you), now let me tell you what I liked in here. 'Tough love for my own sake' is good, stanza 11 is quite pretty, and stanzas 7 and 8 put a smile on my face. So anyway, with any luck what I've said will be helpful; have a read round here - look at some of the top poems on the site and draw inspiration from the ideas and styles. It will be worth it!
Re: a comment on The Ocean by Fayt	7-Mar-06/9:59 AM
Yes, it works better now.
Re: a comment on War on Iraq by Dhanesh M Kumar	7-Mar-06/9:57 AM
I expect to see that feature on a car numberplate in the near future.
Re: Seawards by ecargo	7-Mar-06/9:42 AM
I'm not sure what's changed...ergo I re-grace you with a nine.
Re: Brethren, oblivion is not the road to the city Ataraxis II by SupremeDreamer	7-Mar-06/9:38 AM
Chunky...well I honestly am going to have to come back to this later (I've already read it twice and still missed a load of what's in there). It reads quickly like it ought to be angry prose. Personally I'd prefer to see you not use "'n", mainly because it gets awkward to spit out fast - "reason 'n..." has to become "reasonun", which sounds awful. As I said, I'll return and (maybe) have something useful to say, until then have a seven as a mark of the fact that I was actually interested enough to read this twice.
Re: a comment on War on Iraq by Dhanesh M Kumar	7-Mar-06/9:30 AM
I assumed he meant for 'burns' to be the noun there, in which case the grammar needs correcting - you've already started the correction, but the whole poem needs going over with a red biro. I was kind of considering writing a poem in this manner, asking the reader to envisage that they are the mother of a soldier who was shot dead by someone he'd travelled thousands of miles genuinely hoing to help. But quite honestly, I can't even envisage it myself. Oh well.
Re: a comment on A Failed Proposition Under The Night Sky by Ranger	7-Mar-06/5:11 AM
Cool, I've had a while to think about these suggestions and decisions are starting to follow. 'Burden lifted' sounds better, I shall change that. 'Setting diamond in the band' I also like (I need to keep diamond singular though, there's only one Venus in the sky!) 'It cries, mourning' is really good, although I might play about with it a bit for effect. I'll resubmit this in the near future, I think. Thanks for your ideas!
Re: Piano by Dovina	7-Mar-06/4:24 AM
Yes, yes, yes...needs fine tuning (oh dear I didn't even realise how bad a pun that was until after I said it...) but this could be on its way to greatness.
Re: Eagledale Drive by matt door	7-Mar-06/4:13 AM
Nice!