DetailsThe poem, its numbers, and the conversation.

Read me

Member since 2005 · Posted 7 Mar 2006 · 2 comments

I have nobody to share my thoughts my dreams with. I have nobody in my life to say you're doing ok. I wander about in my life not knowing what to do. afraid to trust. I've been hurt so much This is my only form of expression. My poetry which..... I try to share. My poetry is my way of saying "I'm here!" "This is me." "This is what I have to say." "Read me."

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2 comments

[7] Ranger 7-Mar-06/2:50 PM Reply

I've read you. And I think that you could write yourself more effectively. Let me explain.
You have nobody to share your thoughts with - therefore you write poetry as a means of sharing them. This is a good start. Yet it could, poetically speaking, get so much better from there onwards. Try writing this in metaphor. Don't write it from the first person; as it stands you are spoonfeeding the reader this whereas you want to make said reader think about what you're saying. It's quite tricky for me to explain what I mean without writing your poem out for you - but I've tried something similar (although with a different purpose) in my 'Struggling Poet's Lament'.
Basically, I want to read about you, but I want it to be a game of hide-and-seek rather than just seeing you straight away. Does that make sense? If not, I'll try and rephrase what I said.
7...you're doing okay :)

[n/a] Dental Panic 9-Mar-06/6:30 PM Reply

I disagree with Ranger. I think this is very strong, crude and pure. Just cut the part where you start about poetry.
I read you. You got me.

Who soothes my thumpin', bumpin' brain?
Nobody