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Whom I Adore (Free verse) by Hawaiian Lust I'm sitting here just thinking of you
reminding myself that our love's true
This gorgeous man whom I do adore
loves me just the same if not more
When I'm depressed and feeling blue
he'll comfort me and hold me too
Each time I've cried, he would dry my tears
and stand by me as I faced my fears
When it gets cold, his warming embrace
will always put a smile on my face
But he'll give tough love for my own sake
so I learn from my flaws and mistakes
He's always honest and never lies
which proves that he's not like other guys
I've tested his patience beyond belief
which caused him headaches, worries, and grief
I've come so close to losing his love
that I begged for help from up above
And, on me, The Lord had shed his light
which changed the wrong in my life to right
Therefore, being blessed with one more chance
to appreciate his sweet romance
Trust and Believe, I carefully tread
keeping a faithful heart and clear head
I can't imagine my life without him
for my future would be lonely and dim
So, every night, on my knees, I pray
that, with this man, I spend one more day
To be loved by him whom I adore
for he's my all and what I live for.
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Arithmetic Mean: 3.5
Posted: March 7, 2006 11:23 AM PST; Last modified: March 7, 2006 11:23 AM PSTWeighted score: 4.928861 Overall Rank: 9251 Comments:
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The poem -- It's a very sweet sentiment; I'm genuinely glad that you have someone to write about - and long may it last. However, poetically this is in for some criticism. It is a typical 'first post' on poemranker (mine was no better), and as you look round at other poems here you will see that the rhymes have been used a million times before. I have absolutely no doubt that the rhymes are original to you - we all start somewhere - but if you want the reader to sit up and pay attention to what you're saying you will need to find something new, something vividly interesting. 'You/true', 'tears/fears', 'love/above' in particular feature in probably 75 percent of rhyming poetry. The trick is to let your imagination run riot; invent new metaphors (allegorical writing gets you bonus points every time), new ways of looking at a situation. I've found that just writing free verse is the best way of starting at this; it allows you to write without constraining yourself too much to metre and rhyme.
Another point specific to this poem is that it opens with you addressing one person, but you then turn to the rest of us and start talking to us about him. Keep some consistency to it; personally I wouldn't include the first stanza.
Also - this is a universal suggestion - try to limit the amount of pronouns you use. Especially if you want to write something to which the reader can relate, it doesn't help if you say 'I' every line (it gets a bit tedious to read as well).
Okay, so I've given a bit of critique (which I hope will be of use to you), now let me tell you what I liked in here. 'Tough love for my own sake' is good, stanza 11 is quite pretty, and stanzas 7 and 8 put a smile on my face.
So anyway, with any luck what I've said will be helpful; have a read round here - look at some of the top poems on the site and draw inspiration from the ideas and styles. It will be worth it!