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War on Iraq (Free verse) by Dhanesh M Kumar
WAR ON IRAQ Envisage ; that you are there where thousand of perilous burns, ravaging the entire reign, That your son, daughter and plenty of kin craving for life, to refrain from that fatal burns. That they are right as a trivet, not doing anything wrong, alas happened to be the dweller of that land. That you may sustain that burns to live alone your remaining days. Believe me; That my eyes are flooded now thinking of you and your kin’s fate. That there can be such thousand you, along with a hundred I. that the others are not concerned of you as they are on the safer Land. That there will be such numerous wars if the doctrine of pre- emption gets fuelled with.

Up the ladder: calling
Down the ladder: Weeping Willow

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Arithmetic Mean: 3.3333333
Weighted score: 4.8013287
Overall Rank: 11151
Posted: March 7, 2006 6:56 AM PST; Last modified: March 7, 2006 6:56 AM PST
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Comments:
[0] SupremeDreamer @ 130.65.109.104 | 7-Mar-06/8:55 AM | Reply
"where thousand of perilous burns,"
--Perilous what? Wheres the fucking noun man?


"to refrain from that fatal burns."
--Trying to sound fancy & sophisticated? 'That' is singular, 'burns' being plural... wouldn't it have been more intelligent to say 'those'? Oh, yes, don't forget that the missing noun in the beginning confuses it all, unless you intended it as a noun there too- which still makes little sense.

"That they are right as a trivet"
--What the fuck? Did you disconnect your brain from your fingers when typing up this shit?


"alas happened to be the dweller of that land."
--Now this is plain cheesy and fucking gay.


I won't bother continuing, other than to add that using 'Envisage' was idiotic, thesaurophilic, & silly.

Your views on Iraq are cliched, and frankly I don't give a shit. Zero.


[n/a] Ranger @ 62.252.32.15 > SupremeDreamer | 7-Mar-06/9:30 AM | Reply
I assumed he meant for 'burns' to be the noun there, in which case the grammar needs correcting - you've already started the correction, but the whole poem needs going over with a red biro.
I was kind of considering writing a poem in this manner, asking the reader to envisage that they are the mother of a soldier who was shot dead by someone he'd travelled thousands of miles genuinely hoing to help. But quite honestly, I can't even envisage it myself. Oh well.
[0] SupremeDreamer @ 130.65.109.104 > Ranger | 7-Mar-06/10:02 AM | Reply
Well, you made me envision something worthwhile with that -mother of a soldier- sentence. Add a little substance, character, and its internal thought process, and you'd probably make an Iraq poem worth reading.

Kumar here spewed an vision of confusion, and conveyed a sense of wild verbal 'n grammarical masturbation. Red Biro can't save him, neither can Jesus. He must be Lazurus, let himself die and be ressurected... All through his own pensaber, and what little force he does posses.
[n/a] zodiac @ 206.174.124.170 | 7-Mar-06/9:55 AM | Reply
Inta 3raqi? 3rab?
[n/a] Ranger @ 62.252.32.15 > zodiac | 7-Mar-06/9:57 AM | Reply
I expect to see that feature on a car numberplate in the near future.
[10] ecargo @ 167.219.88.140 | 7-Mar-06/10:27 AM | Reply
Not a 10, but not a zero, so for the sake of balance:

Needs a stronger focus or pivot; less rant, more center/substance/something to grip, entice us in. The emotion's there, but it's more diatribe than poem right now.
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