Re: a comment on The Ocean by Fayt	6-Mar-06/12:23 PM
Rain brings life, and comes from the ocean, so indirectly Fayt can be forgiven.
Re: Seawards by ecargo	6-Mar-06/11:11 AM
This absolutely raced past - with the exception of the last line, did you mean for it to slow down there?
Re: The Ocean by Fayt	6-Mar-06/11:09 AM
I hate to say it but you're a syllable over. Change 'water' to 'spray', perhaps, that would fix it.
Re: my girl's day [tri-ku] by lmp	6-Mar-06/11:07 AM
Nice enough, although as you'd emphasised morning and evening, I'd like to see the second haiku have a 'midday' theme, just to complete the set. It would also give you scope to put a little more imagery in the second one; in comparison with the others it is lacking somewhat at the moment.
Re: The Bait by Dhanesh M Kumar	6-Mar-06/11:04 AM
Personally I'd replace 'smooch' with something else, and 'The holder often/enthralls with proud/while...' doesn't make sense - perhaps 'enthralled with pride', or something like that. Other than that, not bad.
Re: The King Of Loserville by mindsigns	6-Mar-06/11:00 AM
'Some think I should get laid' would fit better.
Re: Portals to you by Caducus	6-Mar-06/10:58 AM
Nice, I'm tempted to suggest that you get rid of 'are' at the end of each opening line, maybe keep in in stanza 3 (at the start of line 2). Other than that, very pleasant!
Re: a comment on A Failed Proposition Under The Night Sky by Ranger	6-Mar-06/10:54 AM
I think I have it: 'Could the mist, a flowing turn of white Seen by dawn - avail Him, kneeling No' I might even get rid of the 'No', it feels a bit redundant with the edit. With the enjambment, would you capitalise 'Him', or keep it lowercase?
Re: Sarah's Song by wilco	5-Mar-06/11:01 AM
Something caught in the back of my throat.
Re: a comment on This God of mine by Bobjim	5-Mar-06/10:37 AM
You wouldn't have made a good Roman. The last stanza's pretty good, actually.
Re: Lick up your ears by Dental Panic	5-Mar-06/10:25 AM
I love 'virtuoso sluggish grater', a drunk trying to say 'guitar', always amusing. This is very good indeed!
Re: A HANGMAN'S MOANING by Dhanesh M Kumar	5-Mar-06/10:22 AM
Not bad at all, although it could do with a little more punctuation - 'agonized faces many I have seen' needs to be something like '...faces - many I have seen'. And so on. I wasn't sure about the penultimate line but I do like the final line being the first line repeated.
Re: The Final Night by xXxDemonicAngelxXx	5-Mar-06/10:19 AM
I quite liked this, although I admit that I skimmed over the repeated verses. The subject was dealt with quite well - I'd be interested to see what you could do by rewriting this, but not in first-person. The final message is good, but I read this with the constant longing for a bit more detail, a bit more description. Still, good stuff.
Re: At Last in the Garden by ecargo	5-Mar-06/10:14 AM
Stanza 2...awesome. Just awesome. 'Flat rewards that shimmer like false water' is absolutely fantastic! 'Scorpion comfort' is equally as good. Stanza 1 repulsed me. In a good way, that is.
Re: a comment on A Failed Proposition Under The Night Sky by Ranger	5-Mar-06/5:58 AM
Thank you for your comments :D I've read them and I think I agree with the majority of what you've said. I always appreciate comments (although my 'discussions' with poetandknowit suggest otherwise; I was 16 at the time, forgive me for them!) - I do know various people on here, or who used to be on here, but only a few of them remain. It's always good to know what you think of my stuff - and I'll always give you my thoughts too!
Re: a comment on A Failed Proposition Under The Night Sky by Ranger	3-Mar-06/5:15 PM
"Could the mist, a flowing turn of white Seem to him by dawn avail"...? Maybe I could find an object for 'avail' and enjamb it. It really needs to stay at the end of the line for full effect, though.
Re: a comment on A Failed Proposition Under The Night Sky by Ranger	3-Mar-06/10:18 AM
Rather naively I didn't see any of this coming...dammit!
Re: a comment on A Failed Proposition Under The Night Sky by Ranger	3-Mar-06/10:16 AM
The problem with changing the mist stanza is that I need 'avail' in its intransitive form to keep the wordplay - the mist seems like a veil (in keeping with the marriage theme, you see). It's annoyingly clumsy in that passage, I just don't yet know how to alter it while retaining the meaning. I could get rid of the silent toast, it's quite an awkward phrase...although again it fits the 'dream of wedding' theme. Hmm, help needed, methinks.
Re: Together They Fell (Prose) by Fayt	2-Mar-06/11:46 AM
Ah dear, I am trying to write something but can't get even a single line on the page. Therefore I shall return to this as I promised. You might want to put an introductory line before the diary entry; when I read it I thought at first that you were 'being philosophical' by defining the central theme of the story; sometimes that trick works, but it didn't do it for me in this (and then I realised that it was a diary entry). Stylistically, you would do well to think how you're structuring each section. For a long time you create passages which are simple 'She did this, then she did this, then she did this...' with a little descriptive elaboration thrown in. It would read better if you were to change the sentence layout and give more description. For instance, 'The sun was shining as 'X' stood up. He blinked and turned around' is more interesting than ''X' stood up, then he turned round'. This also means that you don't start each sentence with 'she' or 'he'. It's quite tricky to explain what I mean, if you want I can send you an example sometime to better illustrate my point. Throw in some metaphor along the way, too. You don't have to make it directly relevant to the actions of the people - you can merely include extra things, such as something they pass in the street, which has symbolic relevance. Simile is another good technique to get used to. In this story you should liken the bridge to something - don't just tell me what it is, tell me what it looks like, what the traffic sounds like etc. etc. etc. I've already mentioned about the phone conversation; dialogue is tricky to master, particularly telephone dialogue which limits the amount of body language you can talk about. If you do decide to keep this, my suggestion is that you add embellishment to it. For instance rather than saying simply '"xxxxx" "xxxxx" "xxxx"', say '"xxxx," he cried..."xxxxxx," he said, sullenly...he exclaimed "xxxx!"', and so on. You get the picture. I'll wrap it up here for now - with prose it makes more sense to edit a little at a time and note the improvements; not only that but if Internet Exploder screws up and loses this comment I'm going to scream! Anyway, keep going with this. It might sound like I'm suggesting you get rid of half the content, but it's not like that at all, there is plenty here that I'd keep, and more still that I'd keep, but with a little editing. Till next time!
Re: a comment on A Failed Proposition Under The Night Sky by Ranger	2-Mar-06/9:52 AM
Smooth.