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Together They Fell (Prose) (Prose Poem) by Fayt
Note: You asked for together they fell in prose so here it is. This is my first attempt so i cant wait for the critisisms. I have to improve this aspect of my writing. Prose Form “Tragedy is something defined by many definitions, as each person has a tale of their own tragedy, and therefore a new definition to the word. These tears fall gracefully from my cheek onto the ground. I have witnessed my tragedy, made my own definition; and its more pain then I can bear. This is too much for me, how can people deal with heartbreak such as this? How can one continue to live after experiencing the loss of a perfect man? I ask you; is there anything more tragic then the fall of one who could have had the world? I cannot bear the pain I feel, I do not wish to remain here longer, this pain I feel is certainly worse than death.” As the young girl concluded her diary entry she sat on her bed and put her head into her hands, then, sobbing quietly, she gazed out the window with her sparkling blue eyes. In the far off distance she saw the Concord State Bridge, a huge wonder of architecture which rose over 100 stories into the air; it was so high that many have sworn to touch the clouds themselves from it. She chuckled and thought of what all of the kids called it, The Gate to Heaven; it was given the nickname due to the fact that so many have jumped off in hopes that the after life would be easier than the current life they live. The sad lives of so many ended from the long jump… sad lives not too much different from her own. She began picking her head up from her hands, clearing her shining brown hair from her face as she did. Slowly she began putting on her coat from the rack next to her bed and headed out her front door. She began walking towards the bridge, without a plan on what she was going to do. She kept telling herself that she simply enjoyed the view, that it would help these troubled emotions. As the young girl walked down the road she noticed glancing eyes off her attractive features, she thought to herself, “I only belong to him, he was the perfect match for me. I will be forever with him, even if we are forever apart. These men could never compare to him that I love.” As this thought concluded she realized she was only minutes away from the bridge. She picked up her pace and began her long walk past all the steel bars that lined the bridge. The sidewalk was hard and it was beginning to hurt her feet. She felt she had found the pinnacle of the bridge, to the left of the large, steel pole which separated the great bridge into two. She stopped and gazed at the sky and the bright moon, and then she looked down over the rail at the icy waters that chopped back and forth down below. She felt it was an amazing sight, but it still did not help her deal with her emotions. So she stood there, looking out over the railing, not knowing what to do with herself. Across the city, a young man unknown to the young girl was experiencing an ordeal that was almost exactly the same. He sat there on his couch, he had not moved for 3 days except to tend to the essential needs of every human. His black hair hung over his ears and was a mess, he had a shadow growing across his unshaven face, and his clothes appeared dirty and worn. The only clean, pure thing about his figure was his unblemished brown eyes which shined above all his other features. He laid there on the couch appearing half dead, after watching another hour of cartoon network. Suddenly his phone rang; he quickly got up and rushed to his phone hoping for his lost love to be on the other line, hoping to recover their relationship. Sadly, when he picked up the phone he only heard the voice of a friend saying hello; he replied, “ Hello?” “Hey man, we have to do something tonight; you have been in that house for three days! That girl wasn’t good enough for you anyway, let’s find you a real girl.” “Shut your mouth. She is perfect, I screwed this up myself. I’ll never be able to forgive myself.” “Dude, you are goin nuts over there. Get out of the house.” “Screw you.” “Look I am just trying to help, don’t get mad at me. Rot there if you want; I am just suggesting you do something to get your mind off of her.” “Alright then, if its want you want I’m leaving here.” “Great! What time should I be around?” “I’m not going with you, and don’t look for me.” “What are you tal……..” He quickly hung up the phone, cutting his friend off in mid-sentence. He walked to his bathroom; he fixed up his hair and shaved, and, in the process, revealed a much more attractive man. From there he slowly proceeded to his closet to pick out some clean clothes to wear that night. Then he began leisurely walked out of his front door, not bothering to lock it. “Got to look good when you die…” he thought to himself. He then continued to take his time while heading straight towards The Gateway to Heaven. As he walked he noticed a man begging on the side of the road, desperate for a penny; he looked at the man and told him, “Sorry, the sorrows of this world no longer linger on my shoulders, I am gone from this world.” The beggar gave him a suspicious look while he walked away. He was nearing the giant bridge now; he could see its height and was still astounded by it. He slowly began walking along the walkway along the bridge, slowing reaching the top. He stood to the right of the Huge, steel pole which separated each side of the bridge and stared off in the distance. Simultaneously now, they stared off at the cold ocean and the stars above. And just as concurrently they each shared a thought, “What is the world without my lover? How can I face the world when I know the one for me is out of my grasp? How can I do this alone? Life is not worth living, love will never find me, my destined one has left me, and I am nothing without love.” They both hung their feet over the railing, each with a tear running down their cheek. And slowly the two broken hearts pushed themselves off the rails and began their fall into the obscurity of the night. And so they fell, with freezing winds hitting their faces; they were falling fast, and picking up speed. The young woman looked to her right and was amazed to see a young man falling at her side staring at her in disbelief. She thought to herself how handsome he was, the light from the moon shining down on his face just right to reveal his pure brown eyes. He surely was there for her, he took the plunge with her, he is a kindred spirit. She thought to herself how stupid she had been, love was falling right beside her. He looked at her, realizing his stupidity right away, he thought to himself this should not be the end of his life; he was looking at a face with angelic features, and blue shimmering eyes which rose above the darkness, for she must be nothing less than a holy seraphim, coming to rescue him from a life of love lost. They raised smiles to the other, and then they slowly raised hands to each other and to the delight of both the other took the hand. And so they fell, hands locked, facing the perils of the fall together. In that moment each heart pounded in unison, exerting the beat of true love, an emotion unrivaled by any other; they each knew it right away, they had found who they had been looking for. True love at first sight, a fable that proved true in the end. The moment seemed to linger for what seemed like a lifetime to each of them; never before had they had the motivation to feel so happy. As they hit the plane of the water in chorus, they died instantly, together. But do not weep for them, they found all they ever wanted in life, true love… what many dream of was their reality. This is not a tragedy; this is a tale of true love, 1000 feet above the water.

Down the ladder: let me know

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Arithmetic Mean: 4.3333335
Weighted score: 4.9205313
Overall Rank: 9517
Posted: February 28, 2006 10:14 AM PST; Last modified: February 28, 2006 10:14 AM PST
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Comments:
[n/a] Fayt @ 141.157.35.222 | 28-Feb-06/10:20 AM | Reply
Note:

I havent proofread this very well yet so there may be a few flaws here and there, bear with me and ill get it completley updated soon.
[7] Ranger @ 62.252.32.15 | 1-Mar-06/9:27 AM | Reply
Hmm, not bad. I'd cut the 'it was given that nickname due to...' bit; make the reader do a little work. I'd also cut the phone conversation bit (from 'he replied...')
You repeat 'huge steel pole', it would be more effective if you could give differing descriptions of it - maybe try and reflect the personalities of the characters in the way they see the pole.
Personally I'd take out the last paragraph and replace it with 'Together they fell.'
There's a lot more I could say about this, but it's a long piece so it's probably worth editing it a little at a time. Great promise though.
I'll give it a 7 for now, mainly because otherwise the comment counter won't work!
[6] Niphredil @ 132.68.1.29 | 1-Mar-06/10:18 PM | Reply
It's long; but the fact that I read the whole thing through says something. I think I preferred this as a poem, though; as a story, it's just too full of cliches to sweep me along. The idea is very romantic, and I think with some polish this piece could improve.

A good place to start would be with the opening paragraph, which I find clumsy. The redundancy and repetition of "defined by many definitions", "its more pain than I can bear... I cannot bear the pain I feel... this pain I feel" detracts from the body of the poem and is not an adequate introduction.

However, like I said, it does show potential, and the final paragraph is very sweet :-)
[7] Ranger @ 62.252.32.15 | 2-Mar-06/11:46 AM | Reply
Ah dear, I am trying to write something but can't get even a single line on the page. Therefore I shall return to this as I promised.
You might want to put an introductory line before the diary entry; when I read it I thought at first that you were 'being philosophical' by defining the central theme of the story; sometimes that trick works, but it didn't do it for me in this (and then I realised that it was a diary entry).
Stylistically, you would do well to think how you're structuring each section. For a long time you create passages which are simple 'She did this, then she did this, then she did this...' with a little descriptive elaboration thrown in. It would read better if you were to change the sentence layout and give more description. For instance, 'The sun was shining as 'X' stood up. He blinked and turned around' is more interesting than ''X' stood up, then he turned round'. This also means that you don't start each sentence with 'she' or 'he'. It's quite tricky to explain what I mean, if you want I can send you an example sometime to better illustrate my point.
Throw in some metaphor along the way, too. You don't have to make it directly relevant to the actions of the people - you can merely include extra things, such as something they pass in the street, which has symbolic relevance. Simile is another good technique to get used to. In this story you should liken the bridge to something - don't just tell me what it is, tell me what it looks like, what the traffic sounds like etc. etc. etc.
I've already mentioned about the phone conversation; dialogue is tricky to master, particularly telephone dialogue which limits the amount of body language you can talk about. If you do decide to keep this, my suggestion is that you add embellishment to it. For instance rather than saying simply '"xxxxx" "xxxxx" "xxxx"', say '"xxxx," he cried..."xxxxxx," he said, sullenly...he exclaimed "xxxx!"', and so on. You get the picture.
I'll wrap it up here for now - with prose it makes more sense to edit a little at a time and note the improvements; not only that but if Internet Exploder screws up and loses this comment I'm going to scream!
Anyway, keep going with this. It might sound like I'm suggesting you get rid of half the content, but it's not like that at all, there is plenty here that I'd keep, and more still that I'd keep, but with a little editing.
Till next time!
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