Niphredil1 Mar 2006

It's long; but the fact that I read the whole thing through says something. I think I preferred this as a poem, though; as a story, it's just too full of cliches to sweep me along. The idea is very romantic, and I think with some polish this piece could improve.

A good place to start would be with the opening paragraph, which I find clumsy. The redundancy and repetition of "defined by many definitions", "its more pain than I can bear... I cannot bear the pain I feel... this pain I feel" detracts from the body of the poem and is not an adequate introduction.

However, like I said, it does show potential, and the final paragraph is very sweet :-)