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A HANGMAN'S MOANING (Free verse) by Dhanesh M Kumar
Is there anyone who sees my mind Alas doing for the sake of bread; The justice perhaps may have a thousand reasons to make him stranglehold, surmounted my knot. That final stare varies, person to person Often making my mind so brittle, agonized faces many I have seen, But so penetrating is the beaming smile! Me the tool and he the sufferer, Is there anyone who sees my mind?

Up the ladder: Get in Line
Down the ladder: Diseased

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Arithmetic Mean: 5.0
Weighted score: 5.0
Overall Rank: 7812
Posted: March 5, 2006 6:32 AM PST; Last modified: March 5, 2006 6:32 AM PST
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Comments:
[7] Ranger @ 62.252.32.15 | 5-Mar-06/10:22 AM | Reply
Not bad at all, although it could do with a little more punctuation - 'agonized faces many I have seen' needs to be something like '...faces - many I have seen'. And so on. I wasn't sure about the penultimate line but I do like the final line being the first line repeated.
[n/a] Dhanesh M Kumar @ 220.226.17.35 > Ranger | 6-Mar-06/3:40 AM | Reply
Hi Ranger,
Thank you for the comment. The penultimate line explains the helplessness of the hangman.
[n/a] richa @ 81.178.217.160 | 5-Mar-06/1:36 PM | Reply
'Alas doing for the sake of bread' is garbled. Something like 'hanging men for the bread on my table' makes more sense.

'The justice perhaps may'- No 'the' perhaps and maybe mean the same thing (in this context) so you should ditch one. 'Justice may have a thousand reasons' would be more obvious.

'to make him stranglehold' should be 'to strangle him' and the man does not surmount the knot. The knot is atop him.

A mind can not realistically be said to be brittle because it is non-material.

'agonized faces many I have seen' should probably be 'I have seen many agonising faces'.
[n/a] Dhanesh M Kumar @ 220.226.17.35 > richa | 6-Mar-06/3:48 AM | Reply
Hi Richa,
Thank you for the comments.But I feel that your suggestions might hamper the rhythm of the poem.
[7] Caducus @ 172.143.151.6 | 6-Mar-06/4:02 AM | Reply
Intersting concept and not badly penned.
[6] daniella @ 127.0.0.1 | 22-Feb-15/7:24 AM | Reply
i love your thoughts. they are in the right place and the poem works on some levels. keep engineering the phrases. and perhaps punctuation is needed, for example:
Alas doing, for the sake of bread
no?
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