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A Failed Proposition Under The Night Sky (Free verse) by Ranger Unlike most who gaze at stars
He stared not through rosehip mist
But instead spent one night
Standing
Atlas, dreaming of a burden lifting
Telescope raised in a silent toast
Like a beacon lit, lens aflame
Such wide-eyed squint as Venus passed
In prism, caught within its round glass eye
He hoped to take that thin gold ring
Through which he now looks
Placing diamond in the band
With ruby glitter on its right
But his hand fell before they joined
As Venus left - a hammer's arc
Could the mist, a flowing turn of white
Seem by dawn to him avail?
Kneeling, no
A cockerel early risen, tense
Brings the news that night has gone
And once again
It cries
An astronomer will die at dawn
Up the ladder:
Separation
Down the ladder:
Mystery Lady
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 7.1666665
Posted: March 1, 2006 11:10 AM PST; Last modified: March 1, 2006 11:10 AM PSTWeighted score: 5.5827065 Overall Rank: 2360 Comments:
What's a "rosehip mist"? I looked it up and this is what I got:
http://www.nzpacific.com/details.php?id= I dont think "prism" is the right word. A prism is the object that devides the light, not the rainbow of color. You could try maybe Prismacolor which is a brand name but it basically means a rainbow of color. You could also say kaleidoscope or polychrome. The rest is really good.
"Rosehip mist" was intended as an alternative to 'rose-tinted glasses', and phrases of that ilk. My image of it was of a frost, then a light fog, very subtly red when seen under Mars (the man) but white like Venus in reality (which then served the purpose of stanza 2).
"Prism" was a play on 'prison', the planet being 'trapped' in a way within the telescope lens (the 'round glass eye' also being the man's longing for Venus).
I'll give you "Rosehip" but with "prism" doesn't a metaphor have to work both ways?
I don't know that it's a metaphor as such...it's kind of a double bluff pun. The planet is 'caged' (hence the 'prison' reference) in the lens - the lens being not necessarily a prism, but similar in conjuring up images, colours different from our normal perception.
I knew what I was talking about when I wrote the line...I think...
Teach yourself to be your own harshest critic. It's harder to do than you think.
Ranger, you can visualize him right now slapping himself with harsh criticism, bleeding about the head and shouolders for his Freudian Irrestibility - the insatiable inability to resist saying the first phallic-symoled thing on his mind.
Hey, I grew up watching Benny Hill, What can I say.
Ps. Titties.
ALChemy must be a terror in fast-food restaurants - "I'll have a Big Crack and large Cock, please."
That would be silly. Why would I ask for something I already have.
Truth is I actually went to a Subway once and accidentally asked the girl behind the counter to "hold the hot pecker".
Smooth.
The title is very appealing, but the delivery? - well. He is apparently like Atlas, has his own telescope, but unlike telescopes, his is not a receiver of light, but a beacon lit. "Thin gold ring"? - brass maybe. Cocerels are young male chickens, which do not crow like the roosters they become.
Still, the astronomer dying at dawn is a good image, which perhaps you can build upon.
And believe me, she knows the difference between a young cock and an old one.
Sorry D, couldn't resist the joke:)
Ranger will be appalled, won't he?
He's a young rooster so apperantly his cock isn't ready to doodle-doo yet.
I gather that your conversation on smoofle's last post turned to horse-screwing, so I'd feel somewhat left out if you didn't include me...
Your conversations really make the ranker all the more worthwhile!
"I gather that your conversation on smoofle's last post turned to horse-screwing" -No, sorry, I never talk about my private life.
Dammit, if I can't gather information from poemranker I'll never make it as a private eye...
The beacon lit was a little imagery for the reflection of Venus in the lens - the lens being his desire for marriage etc. etc. etc.
A brass ring would have been a more accurate description for a telescope, but what would your reaction be if your lover gave you a brass ring in proposition? Also, I felt that the cockerel seemed to fit nicely as a reflection of the man - a rooster is settled in his familial position, whereas the cockerel is not. The young man is more likely to wake early to try to win the lady of his affection (shit, I sound so pretentious here...). I tried to fit a change to the imagery with that as well; I had the idea of the ring being crafted by the falling of a metalsmith's hammer, but the hammer turning to that of a judge in 'sentencing' the man to failure (hence the courtroom imagery in "risen, tense" splitting to resemble 'rise' and 'sentence', and of course the final condemnation).
So when she's looking at your raised telescope is she squinting or is she bug eyed or does it depend on whether it's cold out or not.
Ps. If you trim the bushes around the telescope it'll look a little bigger.
Oh dear...
I should have realised that Freud would have a field day with this poem.
Could the... flowing turn of white
Seem by dawn to him avail? Kneeling, no A cock(erel) early risen, tense the astronomer with his telescope, rosehip and all...hmmm....I seeee....
(Freuds note to self...)
Atlas...celebration and admiration of body, liberated, enlightened. a burden lifted...why is his telescope a burden...oh...lit and aflame....wide eyed squint...(chuckle) Is it arranging the diamond drops into a band, or placing the diamond (the precious jewel)into the band? hmmm...ruby glitter to the right... blood...glitters...>desirable...? wants virgin sign to say she is right, it is right. Blood is life, her life or his? Depends...
Rather naively I didn't see any of this coming...dammit!
...and then claims niavity....LOL....J/K
I have finally made it through everything of yours here, made comments, and shared thoughts...it is rewarding to look at the progression. I hope you don't mind my comments and thoughts, since you don't know me and yet seem to share a history with many people on here.
Thank you for your comments :D I've read them and I think I agree with the majority of what you've said. I always appreciate comments (although my 'discussions' with poetandknowit suggest otherwise; I was 16 at the time, forgive me for them!) - I do know various people on here, or who used to be on here, but only a few of them remain. It's always good to know what you think of my stuff - and I'll always give you my thoughts too!
through which his gaze directed...?
Possibly, although I tend not to repeat verbs if possible.
It's certainly going to require some thought.
read the line and see if the rythm flows better, for you. (added 'the' and broke the format up to, uhmmmm... make it pause for effect. changed 'lifting' to 'lifted'...just some thoughts...feel free to reject them all:)
setting diamonds in the band with ruby glinting to its right (nestled..?) .............. Unlike most who gaze at stars He stared not through the rosehip mist But instead spent one night Standing Atlas, dreaming of a burden lifted ........ A cockerel early risen, tense Brings the news that night has gone And once again It cries _________(needs 2 syllable word) The astronomer dies at dawn. ?...this gives the idea...listen to the RYTHM.. A cockerel early risen, tense Brings the news that night has gone And once again It cries, henceforth (better at 4 syllables total!) The astronomer dies at dawn. (dropping a syllable keeps you from having to rush the ending by forcing the syllables in. You could use any number of words at 'it cries'> henceforth,the edict,an edict, bemoans, mourning, in mourning,warning, in warning, to warn,its warning, its notice, in decree...etc. okay...that said...I'm glad if you can garner something from reading my stuff, but also realize everyone has to find there own internal rythm; and every piece has its own inner beat and melody.
Cool, I've had a while to think about these suggestions and decisions are starting to follow.
'Burden lifted' sounds better, I shall change that. 'Setting diamond in the band' I also like (I need to keep diamond singular though, there's only one Venus in the sky!) 'It cries, mourning' is really good, although I might play about with it a bit for effect. I'll resubmit this in the near future, I think. Thanks for your ideas!
:) no problem...and good luck.
Atlas, dreaming of a burden lifting--nice.
do you need the "silent toast"--maybe just go w/ beacon lit? Could the mist. . . this gets a little garbled: could the mist . . . avail him (a flowing turn of white?)(verb form of avail can be transitive or intrasitive, so doesn't necessarily need an object but, nonetheless, this doesn't parse well. I like the idea and the imagery a lot.
The problem with changing the mist stanza is that I need 'avail' in its intransitive form to keep the wordplay - the mist seems like a veil (in keeping with the marriage theme, you see). It's annoyingly clumsy in that passage, I just don't yet know how to alter it while retaining the meaning.
I could get rid of the silent toast, it's quite an awkward phrase...although again it fits the 'dream of wedding' theme. Hmm, help needed, methinks.
"Could the mist, a flowing turn of white
Seem to him by dawn avail"...? Maybe I could find an object for 'avail' and enjamb it. It really needs to stay at the end of the line for full effect, though.
Oh crikey--I caught the wedding imagery but didn't tie this into it. Yeah, I like the wordplay. I even think the line sounds good, but I have trouble following it--Could the mist . . . to him avail (i.e., be of use to him)--is that what you mean? Maybe it's as simple as a comma after white and losing "seem"--"Could the mist, a flowing turn/ of white, by dawn avail/ him? [Since avail means "to be of use to," you don't really need the "to him" avail]. Yeah, make it work, good stuff here.
I think I have it:
'Could the mist, a flowing turn of white Seen by dawn - avail Him, kneeling No' I might even get rid of the 'No', it feels a bit redundant with the edit. With the enjambment, would you capitalise 'Him', or keep it lowercase?
Since you cap the beginning of each line, you'd cap the enjambed line as well. Personal preference, really--I generally only initial cap lines that begin a sentence; otherwise, I lowercase 'em. Some people prefer to initial cap each line, as you do here. I find the latter convention old fashioned and harder to read, but, again, it comes down to personal preference.
Guess you don't need to complain about the lack of comments anymore. :D
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I would change>he now looks
Needs something more refined, there.
At rereading, I thought, the cock could have said so many different things, and I would have liked it as much.
Another romantic dies at dawn.
etc, etc:)
I read various of your poems to get a good feeling for rhythm before writing this up!