Free verse № 139896
A Failed Proposition Under The Night Sky
Unlike most who gaze at stars
He stared not through rosehip mist
But instead spent one night
Standing
Atlas, dreaming of a burden lifting
Telescope raised in a silent toast
Like a beacon lit, lens aflame
Such wide-eyed squint as Venus passed
In prism, caught within its round glass eye
He hoped to take that thin gold ring
Through which he now looks
Placing diamond in the band
With ruby glitter on its right
But his hand fell before they joined
As Venus left - a hammer's arc
Could the mist, a flowing turn of white
Seem by dawn to him avail?
Kneeling, no
A cockerel early risen, tense
Brings the news that night has gone
And once again
It cries
An astronomer will die at dawn
40 comments
I would change>he now looks
Needs something more refined, there.
At rereading, I thought, the cock could have said so many different things, and I would have liked it as much.
Another romantic dies at dawn.
etc, etc:)
I read various of your poems to get a good feeling for rhythm before writing this up!
http://www.nzpacific.com/details.php?id=
I dont think "prism" is the right word. A prism is the object that devides the light, not the rainbow of color. You could try maybe Prismacolor which is a brand name but it basically means a rainbow of color. You could also say kaleidoscope or polychrome.
The rest is really good.
"Prism" was a play on 'prison', the planet being 'trapped' in a way within the telescope lens (the 'round glass eye' also being the man's longing for Venus).
I knew what I was talking about when I wrote the line...I think...
Ps. Titties.
Still, the astronomer dying at dawn is a good image, which perhaps you can build upon.
Sorry D, couldn't resist the joke:)
Your conversations really make the ranker all the more worthwhile!
A brass ring would have been a more accurate description for a telescope, but what would your reaction be if your lover gave you a brass ring in proposition?
Also, I felt that the cockerel seemed to fit nicely as a reflection of the man - a rooster is settled in his familial position, whereas the cockerel is not. The young man is more likely to wake early to try to win the lady of his affection (shit, I sound so pretentious here...).
I tried to fit a change to the imagery with that as well; I had the idea of the ring being crafted by the falling of a metalsmith's hammer, but the hammer turning to that of a judge in 'sentencing' the man to failure (hence the courtroom imagery in "risen, tense" splitting to resemble 'rise' and 'sentence', and of course the final condemnation).
Ps. If you trim the bushes around the telescope it'll look a little bigger.
I should have realised that Freud would have a field day with this poem.
Seem by dawn to him avail?
Kneeling, no
A cock(erel) early risen, tense
the astronomer with his telescope, rosehip and all...hmmm....I seeee....
Atlas...celebration and admiration of body, liberated, enlightened. a burden lifted...why is his telescope a burden...oh...lit and aflame....wide eyed squint...(chuckle)
Is it arranging the diamond drops into a band, or placing the diamond (the precious jewel)into the band?
hmmm...ruby glitter to the right... blood...glitters...>desirable...? wants virgin sign to say she is right, it is right. Blood is life, her life or his? Depends...
I have finally made it through everything of yours here, made comments, and shared thoughts...it is rewarding to look at the progression. I hope you don't mind my comments and thoughts, since you don't know me and yet seem to share a history with many people on here.
It's certainly going to require some thought.
setting diamonds in the band
with ruby glinting to its right (nestled..?)
..............
Unlike most who gaze at stars
He stared not through the rosehip mist
But instead spent one night
Standing
Atlas, dreaming
of a burden lifted
........
A cockerel early risen, tense
Brings the news that night has gone
And once again
It cries _________(needs 2 syllable word)
The astronomer dies at dawn.
?...this gives the idea...listen to the RYTHM..
A cockerel early risen, tense
Brings the news that night has gone
And once again
It cries, henceforth (better at 4 syllables total!)
The astronomer dies at dawn. (dropping a syllable keeps you from having to rush the ending by forcing the syllables in.
You could use any number of words at 'it cries'> henceforth,the edict,an edict, bemoans, mourning, in mourning,warning, in warning, to warn,its warning, its notice, in decree...etc.
okay...that said...I'm glad if you can garner something from reading my stuff, but also realize everyone has to find there own internal rythm; and every piece has its own inner beat and melody.
'Burden lifted' sounds better, I shall change that.
'Setting diamond in the band' I also like (I need to keep diamond singular though, there's only one Venus in the sky!)
'It cries, mourning' is really good, although I might play about with it a bit for effect. I'll resubmit this in the near future, I think.
Thanks for your ideas!
do you need the "silent toast"--maybe just go w/ beacon lit?
Could the mist. . . this gets a little garbled: could the mist . . . avail him (a flowing turn of white?)(verb form of avail can be transitive or intrasitive, so doesn't necessarily need an object but, nonetheless, this doesn't parse well.
I like the idea and the imagery a lot.
I could get rid of the silent toast, it's quite an awkward phrase...although again it fits the 'dream of wedding' theme.
Hmm, help needed, methinks.
Seem to him by dawn avail"...?
Maybe I could find an object for 'avail' and enjamb it. It really needs to stay at the end of the line for full effect, though.
'Could the mist, a flowing turn of white
Seen by dawn - avail
Him, kneeling
No'
I might even get rid of the 'No', it feels a bit redundant with the edit. With the enjambment, would you capitalise 'Him', or keep it lowercase?
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