Replying to a comment on:

A Failed Proposition Under The Night Sky (Free verse) by Ranger

Unlike most who gaze at stars He stared not through rosehip mist But instead spent one night Standing Atlas, dreaming of a burden lifting Telescope raised in a silent toast Like a beacon lit, lens aflame Such wide-eyed squint as Venus passed In prism, caught within its round glass eye He hoped to take that thin gold ring Through which he now looks Placing diamond in the band With ruby glitter on its right But his hand fell before they joined As Venus left - a hammer's arc Could the mist, a flowing turn of white Seem by dawn to him avail? Kneeling, no A cockerel early risen, tense Brings the news that night has gone And once again It cries An astronomer will die at dawn

Ranger 7-Mar-06/5:11 AM
Cool, I've had a while to think about these suggestions and decisions are starting to follow.
'Burden lifted' sounds better, I shall change that.
'Setting diamond in the band' I also like (I need to keep diamond singular though, there's only one Venus in the sky!)
'It cries, mourning' is really good, although I might play about with it a bit for effect. I'll resubmit this in the near future, I think.
Thanks for your ideas!




Track and Plan your submissions ; Read some Comics ; Get Paid for your Poetry
PoemRanker Copyright © 2001 - 2024 - kaolin fire - All Rights Reserved
All poems Copyright © their respective authors
An internet tradition since June 9, 2001