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The Bait (Free verse) by Dhanesh M Kumar
She comes with a murky smile smoldering even the coolest one; impassioning with the hottest smooch but smothering the deepest thread. The holder often enthralls with proud while she starts her work on the hand, later jigging the spirit of the mind. But it may be too late to retrieve as her passions obtrude to reign while she the cigarette would have devoured your lungs.

Up the ladder: thoughts
Down the ladder: Walking

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Arithmetic Mean: 3.6666667
Weighted score: 4.8410625
Overall Rank: 10715
Posted: March 6, 2006 3:51 AM PST; Last modified: March 6, 2006 3:51 AM PST
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Comments:
[7] Ranger @ 62.252.32.15 | 6-Mar-06/11:04 AM | Reply
Personally I'd replace 'smooch' with something else, and 'The holder often/enthralls with proud/while...' doesn't make sense - perhaps 'enthralled with pride', or something like that. Other than that, not bad.
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