on From pains inside by Prince of Void
10 Dec 2006, 10:40 AM
I don't know what to say
on Ode to the Bun by Stephen Robins
10 Dec 2006, 10:38 AM
How can your face be like a fat isoceles triangle? Is it trying to imitate Fraser's legs?
replying on She dreams by amanda_dcosta
10 Dec 2006, 10:35 AM
That's the nicest thing you've said in years
on Self Portrait by Dovina
10 Dec 2006, 10:34 AM
I prefer this edit.
on The blankness of his life by Nicholas Jones
10 Dec 2006, 10:29 AM
This simply has to be favourited.
Don't think you need the 'what?' at the start of line three. Other than that, wonderful. Can you please write something happy though?
Don't think you need the 'what?' at the start of line three. Other than that, wonderful. Can you please write something happy though?
on Particle Deceleration by MacFrantic
8 Dec 2006, 5:15 AM
Well, I think this is marvellous to read but if you want me to find any meanings below the surface it'll have to wait awhile.
on Prayer by amanda_dcosta
8 Dec 2006, 5:14 AM
I'm tempted to suggest adding rhymes to this - it needs to move a little more easily.
on The life of a clerk by Schlinkey
8 Dec 2006, 5:10 AM
I like the idea, but it's overdone in a few places; toning down the language here and there would work well for me. Also, you keep a strict pentameter as far as I can see, but the metre's messy - it's mostly where the 'big words' come in, but you can also get away with varying the syllable count now and then to play with the metre.
on I want to press my fingertips by bwaha
8 Dec 2006, 5:02 AM
Nice. Reminds me a bit of "i like my body when it is with your body".
on Self Portrait by Dovina
8 Dec 2006, 5:00 AM
Too many uses of 'his' in the first two lines for my liking - change it to '...dips a brush'. Not sure about a contemplative hat, but I do like the rest. 'Clad in kindness/optimistic likeness' is a really good bit of wordplay there.
on The Mountain by Nicholas Jones
8 Dec 2006, 4:57 AM
You must have known that anonymous turd was inevitable. But hey. This is great, although 'around' (line 1) probably sounds better as just 'round', and 'I believed that you were actually dying' fucking creeps me out. It moves really well, really quickly, and the last line is a killer.
on Lines Composed in a Vancouver Skyscraper by david
4 Dec 2006, 2:23 AM
I like this, I really do, but it seems to be better suited as a prose poem. I'd change 'brown finger' to 'tanned finger', but that could just be the result of years of -=Dark_Angel=- poetry. Good write.
on Dance With Me by grumpycrafter
4 Dec 2006, 2:19 AM
Nice idea. It wants to be put to a waltz beat though.
on The Day Before Christmas by grumpycrafter
4 Dec 2006, 2:18 AM
Absolutely hilarious, although it could do with the rhythm tightening up in quite a few places.
on A place for everyone by aliena
3 Dec 2006, 6:20 AM
And there is also scope for movies about aliens. You might want to edit out one of the repeated 'ands', the one at the start of line 4 seems the obvious choice to me.
on OI! The Brown Flame by SupremeDreamer
2 Dec 2006, 2:13 PM
You need an extra exclamation mark in line 5.
replying on Sonnet 5 (The Second Deluge) by Schlinkey
2 Dec 2006, 2:06 PM
I don't see anything wrong with the 'deluge' line, nothing unforgivable at least. Line two needs some punctuation ('The nascent truth - a herald's cries of war' would do it).