Poemranker [Poem: Sonnet 5 (The Second Deluge)] [by Schlinkey] Thu Nov 21 16:10:57 PST 2024

He grieves the loss of perfect innocence; The nascent truth a herald's cries of war, For born into a world of violence, The infant quickly stands upon life's shore. Supplied and armed with faith and clad in hate, Evincing nothing more than broken hope; The gem of unity is left to fate. "How can we vanquish evil of such scope?" He ponders this, as suddenly his tea Blots out most every article of blight, A purging flood he failed to truly see. He does, however, feel a bit contrite. The coming of a new Deluge is near Perchance it's time for man to disappear.

[9] Dovina @ 70.38.78.229 | 2-Dec-06/10:16 AM | Reply

You have the pentameter consistent this time. And it has the feel of old-time sonnets. But, again I find it constrained to the meter, and this time to the loss of meaning. For example, "perfect" adds little to "innocece" besides pentameter and overstatement. And "Deluge" has the accent on "uge." I could do no better with it, however, and think the best solution might be to give up on pentameter or on sonnet. Sorry, I have little respect for the form, and that's part of the problem.

[9] Ranger @ 62.252.32.15 > Dovina | 2-Dec-06/2:06 PM | Reply

I don't see anything wrong with the 'deluge' line, nothing unforgivable at least. Line two needs some punctuation ('The nascent truth - a herald's cries of war' would do it).

[n/a] Schlinkey @ 62.16.135.98 > Ranger | 2-Dec-06/7:43 PM | Reply

Thanks! I'm not all that proficient with the use of punctuation in my poems.

[n/a] Schlinkey @ 62.16.135.98 > Dovina | 2-Dec-06/7:42 PM | Reply

I've understood as much :) That you don't really like the form that is. I find it refreshing writing sonnets though, so I'll keep at it! (for a time at least). As to perfect innocence. I'm not sure, but innocence in itself is a term loosely used. Perfect innocence though, that would like the epitome of the very concept. Then again, when I decide to write stuff like this, it will come out kinda, well, "ugh" for some. :D

Thanks, as always, for your thoughts. It's neat when someone disagrees with you!

[9] amanda_dcosta @ 61.17.22.206 | 3-Dec-06/2:08 AM | Reply

I admire anyone who can write a beautiful sonnet, for this is something I have not achieved yet. You have done a swell job at it and hence I choose not to be too critical about its contents.