Re: Fallen Charub by Dovina	1-Jul-06/12:16 AM
Heh... another early chuckle. You guys have the humour going today, don't you?
regarding some deleted poem...	1-Jul-06/8:49 PM
Actually I thought this was hilarious. Returning to the car/drive/gas was good. Typo line 11. A lot more people are coming round to the realisation that global warming is inevitable. Also, the last I read was that the rainforests actually contribute about 30% of all methane emissions into the atmosphere; methane being more detrimental than CO2 if my science is correct.
regarding some deleted poem...	1-Jul-06/8:53 PM
Superb. Read Empson's commentary on Paradise Lost. You'll take great glee in the complete reversal of meaning placed on Milton's work.
Re: Goliath by amanda_dcosta	1-Jul-06/9:15 PM
Good questions, excellent take on Goliath. It's pretty ironic that the laziness fights so much...I think of it more like a dead weight against which we struggle. The only thing I'd really change here is removing the exclamation mark at the end...they rarely appeal to me in poetry. Others may, of course, disagree.
Re: canada day by Bill Z Bub	1-Jul-06/9:29 PM
This is magic. I don't get why, though. Maybe it's the spacing, the openness like the sky. I think that's why I want the last word to be 'plain'. Three more lines of description after 'darkest sky' would seem right, somehow. Do you listen to Arrogant Worms? This made me think of their self-penned national anthem, 'Canada Is Really Big'...
Re: Sonnet IX by tuthaliash	1-Jul-06/9:39 PM
Where the hell did this one come from? Superbly archaic in format and technique. Therefore it meets with approval. Only complaint is "Rehash'd"...it just doesn't sound like an old enough word for the piece. Excellent meter.
regarding some deleted poem...	3-Jul-06/12:37 AM
Sleeping eyes instead, maybe? Good tale.
Re: Higher education by ecargo	3-Jul-06/12:41 AM
Fire Technology? Where the hell are you being taught? That sounds awesome - pyromania for the educated masses. Also, the last stanza made me burst out laughing. Shameful sentiments.
Re: O say, can you see? by Dovina	3-Jul-06/12:44 AM
Love it. Super use of the language. I wish I could say something more interesting, but I'm exhausted. And it's only 8.30am.
Re: Songs of the hedge bird by ALChemy	3-Jul-06/11:49 PM
I hope you weren't expecting us to give you any improvements for this, because really, it's excellent. Except for 'already been chose', but that's because I'm English and pedantic. A lovely read.
Re: Hugo by little_angel_maria	4-Jul-06/12:27 AM
This is more of a letter (epistle) than a free verse poem, in my opinion - I wonder if nentwined might consider adding that as a category. If I'm brutally honest, this won't score very highly among many writers here. That's not meant as an insult and I don't want you to be offended by it. It's just that everything contained in here has been written countless times before. Love poetry now has got to the stage where you have to be original - even if it's just one brilliant, inspired line or passage around which the whole poem's built. As it stands this is a collection of cliches. For example, 'bleeding from the wounds in my heart' is just about the ultimate overused phrase in the world of teen poetry. I guess you could argue that it's how you really do feel. But then...don't you think that everyone else feels that way at some stage? And so if everyone wrote a poem describing the same thing, wouldn't love poetry get very boring very quickly? Be inventive. Read lots of poetry on here, note all the recurring images/phrases, and never, ever use them. The dancing in the park passage here is good - write about that. Write about dancing to no music whatsoever. Use 'love' no more than once in the poem though. "Show, don't tell" is very appropriate for that. Just telling us that you love someone makes us as readers feel nothing. Okay, so I've done a bit of critiquing. What I like about this poem is that the language is kept simple (something with which I struggle in my poetry) and, unlike 99% of poems like this, the grammar is pretty accurate and you've managed to capitalise 'I', which a hell of a lot of people don't do, and it annoys me ;-) Well, that's it for now. Hope this was of some use. Peace.
regarding some deleted poem...	5-Jul-06/12:02 AM
Ouch. Typo line 19 - attempted. No other problems with this, you've kept it concise yet detailed, and have captured an air of resignation especially well. The last three lines are super.
Re: Bedlam Bazaar by Zoe	6-Jul-06/2:18 PM
More of an interesting Welsh verse than Catatonia managed. You'll be huge in Cardiff; you should read this from a tower in the (almost finally) renovated castle. They have peacocks in there. Poetry and peacocks - what more could we ask for? It takes a lot of practise to be able to read this aloud. Have a read of Nicholas Jones' works.
Re: the only thing worse than living (revised, liberated) by Bill Z Bub	6-Jul-06/2:21 PM
Why the hell's this been zeroed? Line 13 - "birds".
Re: Astronomy and Pharmaceuticals by wilco	6-Jul-06/2:22 PM
No time for a full-length comment at the moment, je regrette. Great song though.
Re: What? (Wot?) by ecargo	6-Jul-06/2:26 PM
I'll remember to give this a proper read and vote tomorrow.
Re: of Arabia by ecargo	8-Jul-06/10:09 PM
Hey ecargo, this is a flying early-morning visit so bear with me if I make no sense here. Breakfast, tea and poemranker - what a combination. Argh, and now I'm eating my own hair. Great. Anyhoo, I love this piece (first stanza of verse II in particular). A couple of questions though: line 6 I think should read 'Sheikh' (not certain that it has to be spelled that way though). Not sure that 'overture' fits quite right with the theme of the piece - to me it carries overbearing connotations of Western culture rather than Arabic. Also, is a far ridge sharp? I'd have pictured it as less so if it's in a desert setting (heat haze and all that jazz). Well, must go. Great read, will catch you later I hope. Peace.
Re: Orca by Dovina	10-Jul-06/12:07 AM
On the basis that I'm not going to make any crude puns based on de Fuca and whatever they're going off to do, this is tops. The only thing that I would change is 'stubby' - not because it's ineffective, but '-y' adjectives always seem a little vague to me. It's the same with '-ish'. They get the meaning across but don't really do anything for me image-wise. Anyway, that's a minor point. Your writing seems to be getting better and better with every post.
Re: Today could be the last day by cpill	10-Jul-06/12:09 AM
Top stuff.
Re: Through a childs eyes by little_angel_maria	10-Jul-06/12:17 AM
The points already made are the fundamental improvements, but I'd also say a couple of other things. In a 'story poem' (like this one), a good way to make it less storylike and more poetic is to reduce the temporal references ('now', 'then', 'next' etc.) and just let the order in which you tell the story show the sequence of events. This will automatically trim the word limit, too. As Dovina says, don't just show us everything. Stanza 7 is unnecessary - let us work out that she's thinking of the past. Stick with the writing, it's good to see that you're enthusiastic about it and, of course, we'll always leave you a few hints here.