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O say, can you see? (Free verse) by Dovina Have you seen, by the dawnâs early light,
a margin for error,
bounded and spared,
on one side tyranny,
the other disorder,
a space in between
where deep need and deep sorrow
are less than before,
while health and right reach historical height,
and viewing it asked,
if more expectationâs
a high form of madness?
A margin for freedom,
a margin for error,
a space worth the cost,
some soldiers thought,
And shared in the suffering
chose mercy, not life.
So pop that cracker,
suspend the fight,
enjoy the margin,
and sparkle the night.
Up the ladder:
Swan on Willow Lake
Down the ladder:
Going Away to Fight a War
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 7.0
Posted: July 2, 2006 5:55 PM PDT; Last modified: July 2, 2006 5:55 PM PDTWeighted score: 6.0 Overall Rank: 1279 Comments:
[9]
Ranger @ 81.152.177.79
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3-Jul-06/12:44 AM
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Reply
Love it. Super use of the language. I wish I could say something more interesting, but I'm exhausted. And it's only 8.30am.
The poem sounds like a battle along some border but I have no idea what border battle you're implying. Still I like the beat poet intensity of it's cadence.
No battle intended. Quite the opposite. It seemed tiresome, all the internal squables within the boundarys - tyranny on one side, disorder on the Fourth coming up, it seemed good to consider the value of a margin for error.
It's just "bounded" to me implies actual borders or walls.
And walls they are, over which we cannot climb - tryanny, for one.
Nice thought and pretty well conveyed too.
I esp like the last bit... So pop that cracker, suspend the fight, enjoy the margin, and sparkle the night.
Nicely put Dovina--the last stanza is cracker jack.
Thanks, Paul. I thought a bit of patriotism was in order today.
I do like this--its cadence and movement--but it's vague and I'm not sure what it's about, really (except in the broadest of ways). Not that everything has to be spelled out (I prefer obliqueness to obviousness), but some carefully chosen specifics might provide a guidepost. Also, the opposite of tyranny isn't necessarily rampant disorder--order is possible, I think (hope!) without opression.
Anyway, as usual, you aim for the bigger issues and what works, works well. Hope you had a happy Fourth.
Strange, how an obvious thing in an inspiration becomes muddled in a poem. I think itâs lack of craft. The first line of our National Anthem, being the title, and the first line in the poem, containing the second line in the Anthem, combined with the timing of posting, the Fourth of July, was intended to set the stage for a poem about patriotism.
We have, in democracy, a space for freedom and a margin for error, where over the years deep need and deep sorrow have become less than they are in other systems of government, and where, after much floundering, health and personal rights have reached historical highs. Sometimes I think that to ask for more than this is a high form of madness. I may need to revise the poem to make these things more clear. Thanks for your comments.
Nice job there, D. I think you should take the "pop that cracker" line and turn it into a rap song.
Your heart is in the right place, but not your brain.
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