Re: Joshua And Ruth by amanda_dcosta	10-Jul-06/12:25 AM
Not having children, I struggle to relate to this. And the last time I really spent any time surrounded by kids was in a pre-school while trying to research speech patterns. It was their end-of-year party, the sun was blazing down and they had been fed copious amounts of sugar. I can categorically assure you here and now that whatever hell you might be living through, it is nothing more than a little light purgatory in comparison with that day. Perhaps if 'children' were replaced with 'glam rock' or 'spaghetti westerns' it would have a more universal appeal... Nicely written though.
Re: An Affair with Letters by MacFrantic	10-Jul-06/12:35 AM
Decent concept, I can't argue with it. Strong rhythm and rhyme, well constructed. But I'd agree with Dovina...putting 'God' and 'sin' together will always make it seem like you're just out to have a go at Christianity - which ultimately detracts focus from the poem. How about: Rosalina, surely Spinning from The ferris-wheel operator's Untimely sinning
Re: The Lonesome Loser by Dovina	10-Jul-06/12:39 AM
Did I not just say on your last post that you get better and better? Once more I've been proved right. This loser and I would have been excellent friends ;-) 'Skipping slick certitudes'
Re: limited knowledge, limited people by kaoriliveshere	10-Jul-06/12:43 AM
'They can me feel stupid'? Deep blue ocean is very very very cliched, see if you can be a bit more inventive there.
Re: Selkie (An Antique of Lurid Partes - w/Girl on Girl Action!) by ecargo	13-Jul-06/1:57 PM
"soaring tree"..."suitor's serenade to start"..."liquid eyes and liquid grace"..."nightjade surging sea" -- you are almost certainly the sexiest person I've never seen...this puts everything I've written thus far to shame. P.S. - you didn't read my latin villanelle. It'll be your kind of thing, methinks ;-)
Re: Two Fundamentalists Playing Cribbage by MacFrantic	13-Jul-06/1:58 PM
*falls off chair laughing*
Re: I hate making titles by drnick	13-Jul-06/2:09 PM
Love it. Only crit is that the penultimate line seems a little short - I'd change it to "to answer all the/crackling calls". Other than that, super.
Re: To Athena by cleverdevice	14-Jul-06/3:09 PM
DUDE! The triumphant return! How the devil are you? Last I heard you'd arrived home from someplace in India and were residing in the cold, damp North - whatever possessed you to lurch off there? And, more importantly, are you back in the vicinity of the Shire now? Typo last line: - embrace. Good to see you back
Re: The Clock and the Storm by cleverdevice	17-Jul-06/12:09 AM
This is good but I'd have preferred it if either it had been written freely without constraining yourself to the 4-line stanzas - something like: Daring to speak, the house groans Memories of past battles The trees in the field, brushed aside Cowed by screams of anger... ...or retain the stanzas but make it rhyme, Kipling-style. Then it would be superb, because you've got the content almost spot on. Just a few less words in places, not that I'm in a position to complain about people being wordy ;-)
Re: Intro by MacFrantic	17-Jul-06/12:11 AM
Ha!
regarding some deleted poem...	17-Jul-06/12:28 AM
Hmm, well I don't want to sound rude but this has been done a million times before, mostly on poemranker. Seriously, the 'loneliness-pain-death' theme could not be more overused. If you do think it's a subject you want to write about then please please please find a more original way of saying it. Have a read around poemranker, 50% of the poems on here contain more or less the same content as this, and that makes it boring for those few of us who actually read what's posted. If you really want to grab the reader's attention, give them something unique, clever and surprising. Read through a few dozen of the poems here in the lower half, note the recurring themes/phrases/words and avoid them at all costs. I'm not joking - count how many other pieces contain 'tears', 'loneliness', 'heart', 'pain', 'hurt' and 'fear'. You'll see what I mean; after reading a few they all start to blend into one and aren't interesting. Or if you don't want to read through all those poems, read the definition of 'pimple poem' given on the ranker. Same applies to rhyming - be inventive. You don't have to rhyme exactly; half rhymes, loose rhymes, rhymes that aren't at the end of the line all work superbly when well crafted. It'll then mean that you don't have to use 'splattered'. Alternatively, you could have switched the lines around there to be 'It never really mattered/For I have said all that has been'. They are actually the best two lines in the poem. Unfortunately I can't stay any longer, I hope this is ultimately of some use to you with your writing.
Re: Get Over It by drnick	17-Jul-06/2:22 PM
One of the best I've read for months. Catchy, great rhyming, and an excellent punch at the end. Favourited.
Re: Mind Over Madness by drnick	20-Jul-06/1:19 PM
Good lines. I'm not yet certain which way your attitudes towards it are going, but I'll keep reading and work it out.
Re: Contractual Paradox of the Old by Dovina	20-Jul-06/1:22 PM
Yet again you've raised the standard of your writing even further. The only thing I'm uncertain of here is the colon after 'but'. Nothing else to say.
Re: To Talitha by amanda_dcosta	20-Jul-06/1:28 PM
This has a good and worthy message within. I would change the last line to something more subtle. The whole poem is very direct; end it slightly less so. Also, the ending is sort of open - not quite a question, but wondering who it is that holds your life. Don't give us the answer so overtly. I'm happy to say that I got this message long ago and have lived it ever since :-) On that note I'm going to catch up with Niphredil; you'll be happy to know she's still alive, despite everything going on in the Med.
Re: Untitled (a draft) by rnuk	22-Jul-06/1:02 AM
This is a really neat concept but it needs to be in prose format, I think. At least the first four stanzas do. You could get away with making this half poetry, half prose. That would also free you a little more to use your more conversational style. I read it like a story instead of as a poem and it worked well. The ending is particularly good :-) Typo - 'penultimate'
regarding some deleted poem...	22-Jul-06/1:12 AM
I've got Wishbone Ash playing as I read this. Blowin' Free. It feels very appropriate. I agree with Dovina about 'cadence', I also stuggled with 'Made from love and oaken'. Other than that, not bad as lyrics go. Better than any of mine.
Re: Trash by drnick	23-Jul-06/1:18 PM
This is awesome. I love the loose rhymes; rhythm was a little swift for me but it still worked well enough. Just altogether really, really good to read. Glad you're writing again!
Re: A Time to Dance by Dovina	24-Jul-06/11:03 PM
Powerful, in a peacefully reflective way. Have you put this to music yet? If you have/are planning to, it could do with a chorus - but I can almost hear it played to the tune of a slow violin, a quiet guitar and a log fire across the room. That's the best combination. One thing I'd have changed is 'Selfishness'. It's not a word I'm hugely fond of; would have used 'certainties' or 'guarantees' instead (to go along with the technology - very engineered, robotic, soulless. Other than that, I really enjoyed this :-)
Re: Ode to the Irish Pub by mindsigns	24-Jul-06/11:11 PM
This is brilliant; reminds me of seeing Donal MacGuire live. The best memory of that night was hearing him sing of a girl and how he should 'administer a pint of Guinness to'er'. He could only have got away with it because of his accent. Oh, the Irish are cool when they're not fighting. Of course, I could probably say that about most nations. Super.