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The Clock and the Storm (Free verse) by cleverdevice
The weather is at war And crouches, brooding, on the hill-top Before beginning its relentless march Towards the house. I stand at the window And watch motionless, the only sound The resolute ticking of the grandfather clock Steadfast in near silence My only companion In the impending struggle soon to break Against the walls of this ancient house Centuries old. Daring to speak The house groans at the memories of past battles As trees in the field are brushed aside And cowed. In screams of anger Rain hurls itself at the windows And the wind scratches at the door Desperate to break in And scared, I step back, And turn. Stopping. Confronted by the clock, The aged custodian of this home Who will never flee. Older than the house He has seen the storms before Yet continues his defiant stare And the winds is hushed As the rain ceases. The storm, recognising its old adversary In deferance and respect Retreats.

Up the ladder: The Thief
Down the ladder: Unfinished

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Arithmetic Mean: 5.3333335
Weighted score: 5.0397344
Overall Rank: 7144
Posted: March 23, 2004 3:43 AM PST; Last modified: September 11, 2006 2:39 AM PDT
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Comments:
[8] Ranger @ 86.131.48.111 | 17-Jul-06/12:09 AM | Reply
This is good but I'd have preferred it if either it had been written freely without constraining yourself to the 4-line stanzas - something like:

Daring to speak, the house groans
Memories of past battles
The trees in the field, brushed aside
Cowed by screams of anger...

...or retain the stanzas but make it rhyme, Kipling-style. Then it would be superb, because you've got the content almost spot on. Just a few less words in places, not that I'm in a position to complain about people being wordy ;-)
[n/a] cleverdevice @ 86.140.151.122 > Ranger | 17-Jul-06/2:30 AM | Reply
I'm not re-writing the fucker just to make it rhyme!
[8] Ranger @ 86.140.69.253 > cleverdevice | 17-Jul-06/2:03 PM | Reply
It would be easier than re-rhyming the fucker to make it write. Trust me.
[n/a] Dovina @ 12.72.36.192 > Ranger | 17-Jul-06/2:34 PM | Reply
Hey, just fix the grammar and spelling, which are atrocious in places. Then we can talk about rhyme, Kipling, all that poeteic stuff.
[n/a] cleverdevice @ 86.139.235.172 > Dovina | 3-Aug-06/10:49 AM | Reply
Nothing wrong with the spelling, I think you'll find
[8] Ranger @ 86.138.69.171 > cleverdevice | 3-Aug-06/1:49 PM | Reply
I see no faults with the spelling (except for 'recognising', last stanza), on a brief glance over. The grammar in this is similar to how I use it in poetry - I like it, a lot of people disagree with me.
[8] Ranger @ 81.158.78.100 | 11-Sep-06/9:23 AM | Reply
Excellent spelling! Have you gone back to Durham yet?
[n/a] Mr Pig @ 86.137.20.84 | 13-Sep-06/4:57 AM | Reply
Have you seen the avengers?
[8] ecargo @ 167.219.88.140 | 13-Sep-06/9:48 AM | Reply
I like the ideas and imagery in this but I think it might be more effective as a poem if you were to mix things up a bit; remove some of the more direct analogies and make them less explicit. Also, I think it might have more impact if you started in the midst of the storm--your second to last stanza would be a nice starting point, IMO:

"Older than the house,
he has seen storms before . . .

I think mixing up the time progression (however you do it--flashback, comparison with current state, whatever) makes for more interesting narratives.

Anyway--lots to work with here--some good imagery and good ideas.
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