ecargo13 Sep 2006

I like the ideas and imagery in this but I think it might be more effective as a poem if you were to mix things up a bit; remove some of the more direct analogies and make them less explicit. Also, I think it might have more impact if you started in the midst of the storm--your second to last stanza would be a nice starting point, IMO:

"Older than the house,
he has seen storms before . . .

I think mixing up the time progression (however you do it--flashback, comparison with current state, whatever) makes for more interesting narratives.

Anyway--lots to work with here--some good imagery and good ideas.