Re: To Talitha by amanda_dcosta	24-Jul-06/11:58 PM
Erk, sorry about going quiet on chat all of a sudden...it slowed down all of a sudden and refused to post. I think my internet in general seized up though. In response to your question, no I'm not like them. I'm a happy kind of chap with the compulsory occasional emo moments ;-)
Re: Slipping Outside (for a minute) by drnick	28-Jul-06/12:11 AM
Actually I thought the snowflake passage was the best in the poem. This feels very much like song material; I'd change 'dope-soaked' though, it's too obvious. Make that bit more subtle and this is super.
Re: 08:12AM Hiroshima by Caducus	28-Jul-06/12:21 AM
To get round the time problem you might think about making time leave with the plane. First stanza is good, very much in keeping with the cultural feel of the piece. Stanza two, less so. Third is clever but it takes a few reads (well, for me anyway, but I can't think at the moment so I guess that's to be expected) to tie in the stork-orphan idea with the first stanza husband-wife, mainly (I think) because to the best of my knowledge it's not a Japanese story/tradition. Other suggestion: use more Japanese words in here. They would work, but only if there are enough. As it stands, 'komono' jars with me.
Re: Wisdom by crazyknight	28-Jul-06/12:25 AM
If you're going to write about wisdom in a Japanese format, it's virtually a legal requirement that you talk about an old man with long white hair sitting by the side of a road. Seriously though, this doesn't actually describe wisdom, nor does it give a solid metaphor for it.
Re: Diary by Dovina	28-Jul-06/12:35 AM
Neat idea, needs a bit of editing in my opinion. 'Their existence/Intertwined with mine' is a little...bland, by your standards. Same with 'Time's secrets' (a bit cliched too). They don't have much of an effect. The 'tiny hard drive space' is good for the idea of each of us being small, virtually inconsequential - as I assume that's what you mean. It needs to be a little clearer though. Stanzas 2 and 3 are super, although 'Events and deeds/some never said' seems to go against the title; diaries aren't usually fictional. Use of 'verisimilitude' is either genius or madness, I have yet to decide which... 'The rest, like life unlived' was good.
regarding some deleted poem...	1-Aug-06/12:27 AM
Should have posted it as an acrostic. I'm sure there is that option.
Re: Hot by Dovina	1-Aug-06/12:35 AM
Grand, some excellent lines ('a watched sun never sets'). 'Loosens' was a bit cumbersome for my reading. No other problems. Is 'fifties' meant as double for the 1950's (sans pollution) and for 50 degrees (it'd have to be centigrade though, unless you meant it as a 50 degree angle to refer back to the sun...)?
regarding some deleted poem...	1-Aug-06/12:37 AM
Good edit.
Re: fragment by ecargo	1-Aug-06/12:41 AM
If 'blare' is meant as a pun, then I feel I must protest in the strongest possible way. Having been subject to his rule, I can safely say that his chatter is never empty. It is crammed to the rafters with bullshit. Oh, and good poem ;-)
Re: Jay by MacFrantic	1-Aug-06/12:47 AM
Is the jay a small aerial drone, and the swarm the bombers which follow its lead? It could almost be about a queen bee as well, except in the poem it's 'he' and 'silent'. If I'm wrong, don't give me the answer. I'll come back this evening and work it out.
Re: I wish I was a chav by Stephen Robins	3-Aug-06/12:52 AM
This is quite possibly the best thing you've written. Stanza 5 made me fall off my chair laughing. Maybe 'tracksuit' would be more accurate as 'shellsuit'? You know, a lack of McDonald's nearby means that the gathering place for chavvage is the bench outside 7-11, or, latterly, the bike racks outside Tesco. A most shining nine -bow'ls-
Re: glittery red with rockets ripping through by FreeFormFixation	3-Aug-06/12:54 AM
First 3 stanzas are excellent.
Re: Paradise by oneglove	3-Aug-06/1:34 PM
I'm not quite sure what I feel about this poem. It's not a bad poem, but it feels...empty, somehow. I think it's due to a lack of scenery (I crave the images) and a bit of triteness (eyes, broken road etc.) Even so, I'd say that with a certain amount of building upon, this will be a perfectly decent poem.
Re: A Night out With Chaucer by cleverdevice	3-Aug-06/1:42 PM
Where the devil have you been all my life? -bow'ls-
Re: Nights in the city of Godiva by Mr Pig	3-Aug-06/1:44 PM
When on earth was the last time that Villa played Coventry in any meaningful competition?
Re: How To Ride a Bicycle by Dovina	12-Aug-06/1:07 AM
Heh, I spent so much time on mine recently that this made me grin from ear to ear :-D
Re: 9. The Second Life by A db C	12-Aug-06/1:13 AM
Good concept - is this following on from your other posts? you seem to have a well-thought story going on throughout. Actually, it seems a bit like an intro to an X-Files style story - I'd like to see how it concludes. As for the poetics, it feels a little rough-edged to me. I think you've done the drafting, now for the crafting :-)
Re: I Got the Romanian Flea-Bitten Blues by -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.	12-Aug-06/1:15 AM
Good stuff. The ranker's missed you.
Re: 6. Retina by A db C	12-Aug-06/1:26 AM
In such a short piece it's usually a good idea not to repeat the same word (meaning) if possible - it gives the impression of a lack of imagination (which you clearly don't lack, if these poems are anything to go by). I'd change 'meaninglessness' (a bit unpoetic?), 'mind's eye' (cliche) and 'where love lies freely, unleashed (doesn't add anything to the poem for me). Liked the first line and 'I stared at the sun to form the blur' a lot :-)
regarding some deleted poem...	12-Aug-06/10:00 PM
Had me in stitches.