Re: Drink and Swirl by MacFrantic	26-Aug-06/1:55 AM
Superb, except for the final two lines which didn't seem right - I'm not sure why though. First five lines of each stanza are genius :-)
Re: Beyond Redemption by creepshow	26-Aug-06/2:05 AM
I thought I'd commented on your work before, but it seems I was mistaken. You've definitely got the inspiration for writing - you clearly know what you want to write about, darker feelings and thoughts. Having that sort of direction is fairly essential and I myself lack it on many occasions. What holds you back - in my opinion - is that you constrain yourself to talking about abstract things ('despise', 'hate', 'inner emotions' etc.) which, although comrehensible, seem very vague and sometimes basic. I mean, we all feel some of these things at some time - your job is to try and make us feel them here and now. This is where careful use of imagery and descriptive innovation comes in. For instance, I love 'Precious martyr, induce me father' but really dislike 'I hate your cheap absolution'. I'd love to see this less abstract and more tactile - you are certainly able enough :-)
Re: Survivor by longships	26-Aug-06/2:14 AM
To me this is too long as a poem. If you were to turn it into prose it would work (and give you more scope for creativity). Alternatively, condense this until you're left with just the bare bones (removing a number of the pronouns would immediately cut this down). Dovina's much better than I at suggesting alternative ways of phrasing poetry so I won't try too much, but the gist of it is something like this: (stanza 4) Meals with my brother Another room No-one else No time In actual fact, that's probably more reduced than is necessary, but you see what I mean. Really, just go by the 'show, don't tell' idea. Give us the picture, let us work it out. At the moment it's very much your poem, your emotions. Turn it into our poem, our emotions - make us feel what you feel. Let me know if you revise this, I'd be interested to read any edits :-)
Re: Water by Caducus	26-Aug-06/2:22 AM
Love the idea behind this - 'I wanted to share that with you' gives this a really solid air of tribal storytelling. In general, I prefer names not to have quote marks around them (to me it disrupts the flow). Also, for some reason I'd prefer line 13 to read 'Madoowbe's mother fell sick' - I don't think you need 'when' at all there. Overall rather good though.
Re: Quatrain by ALChemy	26-Aug-06/2:26 AM
Yes indeed they are, which is why all the shit on this site has to be considered as 'poetry', whereas the title of 'poet' should rightfully be yours.
Re: Ending Well by Dovina	26-Aug-06/2:31 AM
The rhymes work well rhythmically in their individual sections, but the repeated shift from rhyme to non-rhyme is distracting. I'd prefer this if the rhyming was continued throughout, or removed. Still a good read though.
Re: On returning to a town where I used to live by Nicholas Jones	26-Aug-06/2:36 AM
Wow, this damn near blew me away. Absolute killer opening, and the final two lines clinched it almost perfectly (I'd have preferred 'strange' instead of 'weird' - in keeping with the slightly traditional feel). Two other suggestions - line 7 is a bit bulky. In my opinion it would read better as simply 'Like the Starbucks'. Also, line 9 - I wouldn't bother with the first exclamation mark, just 'But oh - the light! The same light' appears better to me. This really shouldn't detract, though, from what is otherwise a fantastic piece of poetry.
regarding some deleted poem...	26-Aug-06/2:39 AM
Sweet Mary, I'm about to give my second 10 in a row...this was an absolute delight to read. No favourite passages, they're all wonderful :-D
regarding some deleted poem...	26-Aug-06/2:46 AM
This made me fall off my chair laughing - absolute brilliance! It even damn near rhymes, which is nearly impossible to do well in a haiku. This would be an Ainslee except that I think the first line is a syllable short.
Re: Visiting My Heart by drnick	26-Aug-06/2:52 AM
Darkly gothic, a couple of areas need a slight trim ('dirty seats', 'bullets to the sky' etc.) - mainly just word choice to keep with the very intricate theme. I do like the way that throughout this poem you give the description a stylish flourish to mirror the architecture. This is the sort of poem that a million goths would love to be able to write ;-)
Re: An alternative to the death penalty by MacFrantic	26-Aug-06/2:55 AM
Brilliant idea, 'malnourished Ethiopian children' let it down a bit - it's a somewhat cliched phrase whereas the concept itself is very original (to me, anyway).
Re: save a class now by FreeFormFixation	26-Aug-06/2:59 AM
Glorious, had me chuckling all the way through :-)
regarding some deleted poem...	27-Aug-06/12:13 PM
I like the first stanza a lot, but the second was sort of predictable. I don't really know what to suggest; this probably does the job that you intended, I'm just not feeling anything much from st. 2
Re: Message sent by A_Dark_Calm	29-Aug-06/12:08 PM
Nice enough, maybe it would benefit from 'computer' being replaced with something else that fits the more traditional feel? The only other question I have is about the final line - is it addressed directly to her/him? If so, it would work better with punctuation ("for, my love, I'll already be there"). If it's just that you've played with word order ("I'll already be there for my love") then it just feels a little strained currently. The rest of the poem is fine :-)
Re: Pane Glass Lake by MacFrantic	29-Aug-06/12:11 PM
I think 'beastial' should be 'bestial', but I could be wrong.
Re: Arrival by Enkidu	29-Aug-06/12:13 PM
Intriguing - anthrax?
Re: Retail by Wakeboarder20	29-Aug-06/12:14 PM
Really good read. I swear I've seen the same title somewhere else before though.
Re: Let Me Entertain You by Bethy	29-Aug-06/10:04 PM
A couple of typos - 'Twas and 'peeked'. Other than that...HA! I just wish you'd change the last line of stanza one to something more subtle; that was the only line I wasn't laughing at.
Re: Coyote Sunsets by DamienDen	31-Aug-06/10:00 PM
Couple of minor points - there are a few too many articles in here for me, if you can get rid of 'the' in a couple of places it would work better (I think). Also needs a little more punctuation in places ('The tumble weeds the Buddhas complete in their wandering'). Nitpicking aside, super description here and some nicely fresh phrases ('broken backbones', 'spilling its sack of pearls'). Mightily enjoyable :-)
Re: Buttocks. by Ulterius	31-Aug-06/10:06 PM
Hahaha, you've somehow managed to take a subject which I didn't think was amusing any more, plus a form which I didn't think could be effective any more and give me a hearty 6am chuckle ;-) I stumbled slightly with 'Pimply', it seemed slightly disruptive to the flow (no pun intended) but that could just have been my inexpert reading of it. Next poem of this type to be entitled '-bow'ls-'.