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On returning to a town where I used to live (Free verse) by Nicholas Jones Not much has changed, really,
and what has changed
has not changed much.
But I remember the tiny details of the place
Nuances of the streets and my memories
And so I notice the small differences
Like there is a Starbucks now
Making here more like everywhere else.
But oh! the light! the same light
Same streets five years away
Rejoice! Light refracts from stone and seawater,
Castle and cathedral
Clouds and headland
To create atmosphere. I remember now
This return is not as weird
As I had imagined.
Up the ladder:
The Picasso Limerick that Wrote Itself
Down the ladder:
5/22
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 4.714286
Posted: August 22, 2006 1:33 PM PDT; Last modified: August 22, 2006 1:33 PM PDTWeighted score: 4.9231596 Overall Rank: 9405 Comments:
Wow, this damn near blew me away. Absolute killer opening, and the final two lines clinched it almost perfectly (I'd have preferred 'strange' instead of 'weird' - in keeping with the slightly traditional feel). Two other suggestions - line 7 is a bit bulky. In my opinion it would read better as simply 'Like the Starbucks'. Also, line 9 - I wouldn't bother with the first exclamation mark, just 'But oh - the light! The same light' appears better to me.
This really shouldn't detract, though, from what is otherwise a fantastic piece of poetry.
Thank you to both of you for your kind comments. If you're interested, the town in question is St. Andrews in Scotland, where I was a student for four years. I went there a few months ago for a job interview, I hadn't been back since I graduated five years ago. And the thing that struck me really was the way the light is affected by the sea and the old stone buildings. I wrote the first draft of this in the little B&B where I was staying.
I didn't get the bloody job though.
Can't truthfully claim to have ever been to St. Andrews - but having read this I don't think I need to ;-)
I wonder if I'll feel this way about Cardiff when I leave the place. Much as I love it, I think that may be a long shot...
If this is poetry I am a Chinaman
Oh, it's poetry. It's poetry, and so is every other shite posted on this site (or nearly?).
I wouldn't begin to try to guess how many nationalities you hide behind. ;)
"I remember the tiny details of the place" is a decent hook (as in, start there), but you need to follow with actual details, or contrast it with something that tells the lie.
You've told me something, vague, and I don't believe you. An extra point for Starbucks, vile corporation that they may be, because I've always wanted to watch Battlestar Galactica, and I could use some coffee. 212 view(s)
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Its an excellent piece with an assertive voice and deserves praise.