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Coyote Sunsets (Free verse) by DamienDen
Shallow wombs rest below a rusting ridge A cavern of stale musk and scattered bones The sky reflects the wound of the setting sun Dusk hushes the voices a of a hot afternoon Beige scatterings of broken backbones and fallen mountains The sky bleeds into the canyon But this blood reveals no pain nor distress An artist, its paints the landscapes and then moves on The tumble weeds the Buddahs complete in their wandering The desert rains if but only once in a while Make Joshua trees sweat and roots descend Night falls spilling its sack of pearls Mischievous coyote sunsets.

Up the ladder: goddess of the harvest
Down the ladder: You and Me at Boulder Lake

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Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
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Arithmetic Mean: 5.75
Weighted score: 5.089402
Overall Rank: 6300
Posted: August 31, 2006 11:14 AM PDT; Last modified: August 31, 2006 11:14 AM PDT
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Comments:
[8] Ranger @ 86.131.57.222 | 31-Aug-06/10:00 PM | Reply
Couple of minor points - there are a few too many articles in here for me, if you can get rid of 'the' in a couple of places it would work better (I think). Also needs a little more punctuation in places ('The tumble weeds the Buddhas complete in their wandering'). Nitpicking aside, super description here and some nicely fresh phrases ('broken backbones', 'spilling its sack of pearls'). Mightily enjoyable :-)
[n/a] DamienDen @ 168.103.213.204 > Ranger | 31-Aug-06/10:37 PM | Reply
Cool! Thanks for the input! :)
[8] Niphredil @ 132.68.61.185 | 5-Sep-06/1:28 AM | Reply
First of all, I love the last line. Love it!
~
I would correct, if I were you, the third stanza. It's not really gramatically correct, and the lines seem detached from one another. I don't really care for the Buddha reference - it conjures up images of a place and time completely unrelated to the canyon bluffs you're describing. Plus although the "night" line is good, it doesn't seem to fit in with the following coyote sunset - after all, night has already fallen, why bother talking about the sunset?

You've got some terrific imagery here, though. Almost every line has something to appreciate; I really enjoyed your poem. keep writing!
[7] nypoet22 @ 70.149.108.201 | 8-Sep-06/3:21 PM | Reply
some beautiful images, some careless errors. shallow wombs and the first two lines are priceless. very strong ending too. bleeding sky image a bit heavyhanded. "a of a" in the 4th line. Buddhas misspelled in the 9th.
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