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Coyote Sunsets (Free verse) by DamienDen Shallow wombs rest below a rusting ridge
A cavern of stale musk and scattered bones
The sky reflects the wound of the setting sun
Dusk hushes the voices a of a hot afternoon
Beige scatterings of broken backbones and fallen mountains
The sky bleeds into the canyon
But this blood reveals no pain nor distress
An artist, its paints the landscapes and then moves on
The tumble weeds the Buddahs complete in their wandering
The desert rains if but only once in a while
Make Joshua trees sweat and roots descend
Night falls spilling its sack of pearls
Mischievous coyote sunsets.
Up the ladder:
Semite to Semite
Down the ladder:
4 walls
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 5.75
Posted: August 31, 2006 11:14 AM PDT; Last modified: August 31, 2006 11:14 AM PDTWeighted score: 5.089402 Overall Rank: 6316 Comments:
[8]
Ranger @ 86.131.57.222
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31-Aug-06/10:00 PM
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Reply
Couple of minor points - there are a few too many articles in here for me, if you can get rid of 'the' in a couple of places it would work better (I think). Also needs a little more punctuation in places ('The tumble weeds the Buddhas complete in their wandering'). Nitpicking aside, super description here and some nicely fresh phrases ('broken backbones', 'spilling its sack of pearls'). Mightily enjoyable :-)
[n/a]
DamienDen @ 168.103.213.204
> Ranger
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31-Aug-06/10:37 PM
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Reply
Cool! Thanks for the input! :)
First of all, I love the last line. Love it!
~ I would correct, if I were you, the third stanza. It's not really gramatically correct, and the lines seem detached from one another. I don't really care for the Buddha reference - it conjures up images of a place and time completely unrelated to the canyon bluffs you're describing. Plus although the "night" line is good, it doesn't seem to fit in with the following coyote sunset - after all, night has already fallen, why bother talking about the sunset? You've got some terrific imagery here, though. Almost every line has something to appreciate; I really enjoyed your poem. keep writing!
some beautiful images, some careless errors. shallow wombs and the first two lines are priceless. very strong ending too. bleeding sky image a bit heavyhanded. "a of a" in the 4th line. Buddhas misspelled in the 9th.
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