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Ending Well (Free verse) by Dovina Life was not easy,
but neither was it hard.
With each year went all heâd earned.
But clothes were bought,
utilities paid,
kids fed,
and she always warmed his bed.
Then one day the kids were gone,
his wife departed,
the money grew,
and he knew not what to do.
So he pondered life and being,
without the need for doing,
without her tender touches,
and the pulse of life still pounding,
remembering well, desiring still.
Then from the mirror, he decides,
hunkers down in what he seesâ
an old man without appeal,
quiet about what he feels.
Up the ladder:
Cast a shadow.
Down the ladder:
Balance
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.0
Posted: August 22, 2006 8:26 PM PDT; Last modified: August 22, 2006 8:26 PM PDTWeighted score: 5.2689414 Overall Rank: 3898 Comments:
[5]
Sing4Jesus! @ 87.80.134.60
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23-Aug-06/9:54 AM
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Reply
Jesus blows his nose on you!
[7]
drnick @ 68.73.52.48
> Sing4Jesus!
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26-Aug-06/9:19 AM
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Reply
He'd have to exist to do that. I think organized religion has dumped enough excrements on society to make up for that, though.
The rhymes work well rhythmically in their individual sections, but the repeated shift from rhyme to non-rhyme is distracting. I'd prefer this if the rhyming was continued throughout, or removed.
Still a good read though.
Happy to see you too have not bailed. Only a few lines rhyme, and it might be better to unrhyme all of them. Thanks for coming back.
I was on holiday for the last couple of weeks; I have no intention of bailing, even with all the insults that have headed my way recently.
R.E. the rhymes - this feels like the sort of poem that would be very accommodating toward mid-line rhyming, just as a way of keeping a steady flow.
Thanks, I'll try that.
I like the end rhymes in the final two lines of stanzas 1,2 and 4. If you can keep them and work in some subtle rhymes throughout, I think it would sound marvellous.
To be honest I didn't notice the rhyming , so I think that's fine. This is alright, but I think you can do better. It's rather bland if that makes any sense.
It does make sense to me that this is bland. Actually, it's a compliment. He decided that his appeal as a man had disappeared, and with no hope of regaining it, he would blandly carry on. I disagree with his conclusion, but can't deny it.
Hi Dovina, your poems have always been some of my favs...Bethy :)
I know guys like this. Wish you'd decide on rhyme or nonrhyme.
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