Poemranker [Poem: Jay] [by MacFrantic] Thu Nov 21 06:00:09 PST 2024

There are streamlined birds here, Where the sky is thick with cellophane smoke. There's a single jay that may be seen by neither you nor me. Metal lords scorch the clouds in proud, majestic shrouds. The downy victim sorts his trading storms. Silent jay, Swarming jay, Herald of the sun-robbed skies.

[8] Dovina @ 12.72.43.242 | 31-Jul-06/1:16 PM | Reply

I think it would be better not to start with "there are," and to rearrange the sentence for a stronger beginning. "Cellophane smoke" is descriptive, but it adds little besides smokiness to the smoke. I don't know what you mean by "trading storms" or "swarming jay." The birds (jays) don't normally swarm, and how do the other kind?

Metal lords scorch the clouds . . majestic shrouds - good line.

[9] Ranger @ 81.156.72.146 | 1-Aug-06/12:47 AM | Reply

Is the jay a small aerial drone, and the swarm the bombers which follow its lead? It could almost be about a queen bee as well, except in the poem it's 'he' and 'silent'. If I'm wrong, don't give me the answer. I'll come back this evening and work it out.