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08:12AM Hiroshima (Free verse) by Caducus 8.12A.M
From mountain maples
bird song travelled the delta
'Takaashiâ made love to his wife
in a scene from a perfect haiku.
8.13AM
in the middle of the city
huddled by a wall
an old man sat reading
unaware his shadow would stay.
8.14AM
A metal stork in a blue sky droned
Oppenheimer's orphan awoke
America named it âlittle boyâ
Who put Hiroshima to sleep
8.15AM
There was no 8.16AM
Clocks still as 8.14AM
As time froze
âTakaashiâ touched his wifes komono
one last time as dust.
Up the ladder:
Licking An Ashtray
Down the ladder:
The Playground
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.0
Posted: July 26, 2006 9:29 AM PDT; Last modified: July 27, 2006 5:02 AM PDTWeighted score: 5.2689414 Overall Rank: 3890 Comments:
[8]
Dovina @ 12.72.43.135
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26-Jul-06/8:21 PM
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Reply
I canât get much into this. Not because itâs badly written, (it's not) only because Iâve heard versions of it so many times. Isnât it the way of clichés â they were mostly clever once, til âtime stood stillâ on their cleverness, yet another cliché.
[n/a]
Caducus @ 86.137.20.84
> Dovina
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27-Jul-06/5:02 AM
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Reply
changed it slightly but still in that trap you dont like
I much, much, much prefer the work of Orchestral Manouveres in the Dark.
OMD, Aztec camera, fun boy 3 and lloyd cole and the commotions made me the sullen guy i am today.
Oh forget the smiths too.
Thompson Twins
To get round the time problem you might think about making time leave with the plane.
First stanza is good, very much in keeping with the cultural feel of the piece. Stanza two, less so. Third is clever but it takes a few reads (well, for me anyway, but I can't think at the moment so I guess that's to be expected) to tie in the stork-orphan idea with the first stanza husband-wife, mainly (I think) because to the best of my knowledge it's not a Japanese story/tradition. Other suggestion: use more Japanese words in here. They would work, but only if there are enough. As it stands, 'komono' jars with me.
How do you capture hell in a jar? I'm not sure anyone can but I salute you for trying.
Some great details in this. "scene from a perfect haiku" seems too obvious. Second verse is my favorite.
Topics like this are sooooo overdone. I feel lack of originality here. Have you run out of ideas to write on?
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