poemranker ::08:12AM Hiroshima by Caducus

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Free verse № 144813

08:12AM Hiroshima

by Caducus

Member since 2002 · Posted 26 Jul 2006 · Edited 27 Jul 2006 · 9 comments

8.12A.M From mountain maples bird song travelled the delta 'Takaashi’ made love to his wife in a scene from a perfect haiku. 8.13AM in the middle of the city huddled by a wall an old man sat reading unaware his shadow would stay. 8.14AM A metal stork in a blue sky droned Oppenheimer's orphan awoke America named it ‘little boy’ Who put Hiroshima to sleep 8.15AM There was no 8.16AM Clocks still as 8.14AM As time froze ‘Takaashi’ touched his wifes komono one last time as dust.

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9 comments

[8] Dovina 26-Jul-06/8:21 PM Reply
I can’t get much into this. Not because it’s badly written, (it's not) only because I’ve heard versions of it so many times. Isn’t it the way of clichés – they were mostly clever once, til “time stood still” on their cleverness, yet another cliché.
[n/a] Caducus › Dovina 27-Jul-06/5:02 AM Reply
changed it slightly but still in that trap you dont like
[10] Stephen Robins 27-Jul-06/6:06 AM Reply
I much, much, much prefer the work of Orchestral Manouveres in the Dark.
[n/a] Caducus › Stephen Robins 27-Jul-06/6:42 AM Reply
OMD, Aztec camera, fun boy 3 and lloyd cole and the commotions made me the sullen guy i am today.

Oh forget the smiths too.
[10] Stephen Robins › Caducus 27-Jul-06/7:57 AM Reply
Thompson Twins
[8] Ranger 28-Jul-06/12:21 AM Reply
To get round the time problem you might think about making time leave with the plane.
First stanza is good, very much in keeping with the cultural feel of the piece. Stanza two, less so. Third is clever but it takes a few reads (well, for me anyway, but I can't think at the moment so I guess that's to be expected) to tie in the stork-orphan idea with the first stanza husband-wife, mainly (I think) because to the best of my knowledge it's not a Japanese story/tradition.
Other suggestion: use more Japanese words in here. They would work, but only if there are enough. As it stands, 'komono' jars with me.
[8] ALChemy 28-Jul-06/6:35 AM Reply
How do you capture hell in a jar? I'm not sure anyone can but I salute you for trying.
[9] ecargo 28-Jul-06/2:14 PM Reply
Some great details in this. "scene from a perfect haiku" seems too obvious. Second verse is my favorite.
[1] deleted user 29-Jul-06/11:27 AM Reply
Topics like this are sooooo overdone. I feel lack of originality here. Have you run out of ideas to write on?