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08:12AM Hiroshima (Free verse) by Caducus

8.12A.M From mountain maples bird song travelled the delta 'Takaashi’ made love to his wife in a scene from a perfect haiku. 8.13AM in the middle of the city huddled by a wall an old man sat reading unaware his shadow would stay. 8.14AM A metal stork in a blue sky droned Oppenheimer's orphan awoke America named it ‘little boy’ Who put Hiroshima to sleep 8.15AM There was no 8.16AM Clocks still as 8.14AM As time froze ‘Takaashi’ touched his wifes komono one last time as dust.

Ranger 28-Jul-06/12:21 AM
To get round the time problem you might think about making time leave with the plane.
First stanza is good, very much in keeping with the cultural feel of the piece. Stanza two, less so. Third is clever but it takes a few reads (well, for me anyway, but I can't think at the moment so I guess that's to be expected) to tie in the stork-orphan idea with the first stanza husband-wife, mainly (I think) because to the best of my knowledge it's not a Japanese story/tradition.
Other suggestion: use more Japanese words in here. They would work, but only if there are enough. As it stands, 'komono' jars with me.




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