Ranger28 Jul 2006

To get round the time problem you might think about making time leave with the plane.
First stanza is good, very much in keeping with the cultural feel of the piece. Stanza two, less so. Third is clever but it takes a few reads (well, for me anyway, but I can't think at the moment so I guess that's to be expected) to tie in the stork-orphan idea with the first stanza husband-wife, mainly (I think) because to the best of my knowledge it's not a Japanese story/tradition.
Other suggestion: use more Japanese words in here. They would work, but only if there are enough. As it stands, 'komono' jars with me.