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Slipping Outside (for a minute) (Free verse) by drnick
Before we get too high Before we get too high Before rippling water covers our eyes And after the dope-soaked cries We should learn to breathe first -carefully plan our trip below- Twist and feel our way in enter like a stiff rope. Night light hums above with silent dance and motion. Falling with the devastation of a snowflake on the ocean. A dream-sequence, retracting lights indicates we're closing scene -I tend to prefer the dark for it always hides the obscene. Kiss the air out from our lungs (there's no need to try). Lay back and relax, my friend, soon we'll slip outside. Just before we get high Right before we get high Before the rippling water covers our eyes And after the dope-soaked cries.

Up the ladder: part
Down the ladder: Illegal Lying Sins

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Arithmetic Mean: 5.0
Weighted score: 5.0
Overall Rank: 7834
Posted: July 26, 2006 8:15 PM PDT; Last modified: July 26, 2006 8:15 PM PDT
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Comments:
[8] Dovina @ 12.72.43.135 | 26-Jul-06/8:30 PM | Reply
realizing some highness likely accompanied the writing of this, I'll go easy. "Falling with the devastation
of a snowflake on the ocean." is a good line, but it's not a sentence, and I don't see how it ties in. And the "sentence" above it needs a comma or something, unless my highness equals yours.
[9] Ranger @ 86.140.67.216 | 28-Jul-06/12:11 AM | Reply
Actually I thought the snowflake passage was the best in the poem. This feels very much like song material; I'd change 'dope-soaked' though, it's too obvious. Make that bit more subtle and this is super.
[3] Edna Sweetlove @ 85.210.47.194 | 14-Aug-06/1:17 PM | Reply
Confused and confusing.
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