Replying to a comment on:

Slipping Outside (for a minute) (Free verse) by drnick

Before we get too high Before we get too high Before rippling water covers our eyes And after the dope-soaked cries We should learn to breathe first -carefully plan our trip below- Twist and feel our way in enter like a stiff rope. Night light hums above with silent dance and motion. Falling with the devastation of a snowflake on the ocean. A dream-sequence, retracting lights indicates we're closing scene -I tend to prefer the dark for it always hides the obscene. Kiss the air out from our lungs (there's no need to try). Lay back and relax, my friend, soon we'll slip outside. Just before we get high Right before we get high Before the rippling water covers our eyes And after the dope-soaked cries.

Dovina 26-Jul-06/8:30 PM
realizing some highness likely accompanied the writing of this, I'll go easy. "Falling with the devastation
of a snowflake on the ocean." is a good line, but it's not a sentence, and I don't see how it ties in. And the "sentence" above it needs a comma or something, unless my highness equals yours.




Track and Plan your submissions ; Read some Comics ; Get Paid for your Poetry
PoemRanker Copyright © 2001 - 2024 - kaolin fire - All Rights Reserved
All poems Copyright © their respective authors
An internet tradition since June 9, 2001