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6. Retina (Free verse) by A db C
Rewrite From the aftermath of those desolate premonitions I swept back the copper waves. Crossed wires became entangled hairs. Meaninglessness lit up my brain. I stared at the sun to form the blur. Alizarin crimson dots dominated my vision. I have lost sight of the meaning in this world. Loosening my grip upon the wheel, letting my vehicle roam free, Thuds and crashes and screams, Those who were dying; They meant nothing more to me. In the haze and mist before my minds eye I had found a light in which to bathe, Walking into the forgotten arms of paradise where love lies freely, unleashed, This world means nothing more but pain for me. Origional From the aftermath of those desolate premonitions: I swept back entangled waves that constituted wire hair I stared at the sun until alizarin crimson blotches dominated the vision, In the corners of my eyes I saw meaningless remnants of this last world. Loosening my grip upon the wheel and letting my vehicle roam free, Thuds and crashes and screams of those who were dying, They meant nothing more to me. In the haze and mist before me I had found a light in which to bathe, Walking into a forgotten paradise where love lay free, unleashed, This world means nothing more to me.

Up the ladder: My Daffodil bulb
Down the ladder: Still, With Love

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Arithmetic Mean: 5.3333335
Weighted score: 5.0397344
Overall Rank: 7104
Posted: August 10, 2006 6:08 AM PDT; Last modified: August 10, 2006 6:08 AM PDT
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Comments:
[8] Ranger @ 86.131.57.119 | 12-Aug-06/1:26 AM | Reply
In such a short piece it's usually a good idea not to repeat the same word (meaning) if possible - it gives the impression of a lack of imagination (which you clearly don't lack, if these poems are anything to go by).

I'd change 'meaninglessness' (a bit unpoetic?), 'mind's eye' (cliche) and 'where love lies freely, unleashed (doesn't add anything to the poem for me). Liked the first line and 'I stared at the sun to form the blur' a lot :-)
[8] ALChemy @ 71.75.188.163 | 12-Aug-06/8:39 AM | Reply
Are you familier with the bonus track at the end of Tool's Undertow album by any chance?
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