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To Talitha (Free verse) by amanda_dcosta Unsteady head,
With limbs weak.
Though five,
like a twelve month old.
Brain damage
Down's Syndrome with
Cerebral palsy
a vegetable some call her.
Dumb, mute,
with partial vision,
yet struggling to live.
Every breath a task.
While I, healthy
wealthy and âwiseâ
hardly wonders about life
with not a care
of who holds my life
in His hands.
Up the ladder:
Electric Light
Down the ladder:
Mom
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.6
Posted: July 20, 2006 7:30 AM PDT; Last modified: July 20, 2006 7:55 AM PDTWeighted score: 5.190725 Overall Rank: 4676 Comments:
[9]
Dovina @ 12.72.43.6
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20-Jul-06/9:58 AM
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This starts off well, but I think the Ben Franklin quote falls short, especially with the irrelevant word, "wealthy." "Healthy" and "wise" are applicable though. Also "wonders" should be "wonder" I think, to match the subject "I." But the thing that causes me to want to argue is the implicatioin that a healthy and wise person is perhaps more held in His hands than the other.
[n/a]
amanda_dcosta @ 202.164.136.176
> Dovina
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20-Jul-06/10:08 AM
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It is when we think we are healthy , wealthy and so called 'wise' that we fail to realize the value of life... every second... that we take life for granted. This little struggles... not knowing what a normal life is like, and yet how often do we thank our creator for his mercy and love in our lives.
True story: while walking home from my art class when I lived in Pittsburgh I saw a girl in a wheelchair contorted and obviously mentally and physically handycapped. She seemed happy at the time and she was holding in her hand a box. It was a board game with the word LIFE written across it in bold letters. I always wanted to make a painting of that.
I agree with Dovina though on the "Healthy wealthy" cliche.
Actually, I wrote the 'healthy, wealthy and wise' bit on purpose. This is to stress that this little girl could never be as healthy as we think we are, or be wealthy in way of worldly terms, and also 'wise' for what she's labled, and despite us having this to our advantage, how much do we value this pricless gift of 'normal life'.
This has a good and worthy message within. I would change the last line to something more subtle. The whole poem is very direct; end it slightly less so. Also, the ending is sort of open - not quite a question, but wondering who it is that holds your life. Don't give us the answer so overtly.
I'm happy to say that I got this message long ago and have lived it ever since :-) On that note I'm going to catch up with Niphredil; you'll be happy to know she's still alive, despite everything going on in the Med.
maybe my second last line should read
'of the one who holds my life in His hands.'
Well the thing is that capitalising 'His' really tells us who you're talking about. If you just want this to go to a Christian audience, that's fine. But if you want it to have wider appeal you'll need to remove the out-and-out references so someone with different beliefs can still apply it. It is, of course, your call.
Erk, sorry about going quiet on chat all of a sudden...it slowed down all of a sudden and refused to post. I think my internet in general seized up though. In response to your question, no I'm not like them. I'm a happy kind of chap with the compulsory occasional emo moments ;-)
Ranger, it's not your fault. I got disconnected too and could not log back in. I know that you are a happy-go-lucky person, but couldn't resist asking you that. :-)
I thought the flow of the poem was great, natural and reflective.
Thank you.
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