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Untitled (a draft) (Free verse) by rnuk
They'd brought back, for a change (or perhaps it was simply to create the situation below), beheading. Outrage! many cried, and barbaric! While a quiet few said "about time" But many were of the opinion that this could be A Good Thing They saw sudden, mortally proportioned death as an invitation to study the abyss if that was what it was It could very well be a rose garden, some would mention A chance to definitely and discretely define life To place a full stop at the end of one's final breath as if to say "There. My sentence in history has been written." One of these men (we'll call him Albert, his crime, if you can call it that, is of no consequence) was prepared for the event, but for one single thing. His legacy. There was no way, he was sure, that he could experience the remnants and the aftermath of his existence being, as he would be, quite quite dead. And so he came to realise that he must savour for himself and himself only what had now been determined as his last moments alive. He'd asked that his head be placed in a jar full to the brim with WHISKY. Partly "just in case" he would say and partly "to show that rogue Damien Hirst that being dead and in bits is no excuse not to do things in style" His head was placed under a shining blade the crowd (neither booing nor cheering) studied intently Albert and each other. Albert did not put on a show he remained quiet and thought to himself nothing Quickly, he thought, it can't be like this I can't end so quickly having learnt so little Think think think but of what? and as the blade came down his pnultimate thought (which he thought were his last) concerned the rather tricky 7 down in that morning's crossword Huh. He thought shrugging a shoulderless shrug How disappointingly apt.

Up the ladder: Yellow Leather Innards
Down the ladder: After her storm (draft)

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Arithmetic Mean: 5.3333335
Weighted score: 5.0397344
Overall Rank: 7124
Posted: July 14, 2006 1:40 PM PDT; Last modified: July 14, 2006 1:40 PM PDT
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Comments:
[8] Ranger @ 86.131.49.227 | 22-Jul-06/1:02 AM | Reply
This is a really neat concept but it needs to be in prose format, I think. At least the first four stanzas do. You could get away with making this half poetry, half prose. That would also free you a little more to use your more conversational style. I read it like a story instead of as a poem and it worked well. The ending is particularly good :-)

Typo - 'penultimate'
[8] Edna Sweetlove @ 85.210.227.59 | 17-Aug-06/4:13 PM | Reply
Your best one so far. I liked "shoulderless shrug".

PS you accidentally did a typo in "penultimate".
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