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the only thing worse than living (revised, liberated) (Free verse) by Bill Z Bub the only thing worse than living
is the drone
of unhooked phone.
get stoned,
and find that warm spot by the heater.
an unexpected note
and simple handshake
are profound.
death will come anyway,
so wash out that wound,
listen to the sound
of morning traffic
and don't forget
to smash that asshole
in the face
when he comes around
to collect.
Up the ladder:
Absorb
Down the ladder:
Absurd Robot
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 8.5
Posted: July 6, 2006 9:43 AM PDT; Last modified: March 4, 2009 6:56 AM PSTWeighted score: 5.1659904 Overall Rank: 5085 Comments:
"(revised, liberated)"--hee.
I like how you get started. The "get stoned" seems too pat/rhymey as is--I'm not a big fan of second person perspectives ("you"), but I think adding "you" (or better, IMO, "I," making it about YOU, the person in the poem), as in "you get stoned, find that warm spot . . .) would make it flow better. I like the off/near rhyming (e.g., profound/wound/sound) and even the lack of a structured rhyme scheme--keeps it loose. "of morning's traffic at your window" seems wordy--maybe just "of morning traffic"? Sort of brings it to a pause. Last verse kind of loses me--seems out of spirit/feeling with the rest of the poem (aggressive where the rest is sort of languid).
I think the shift at the last is kind of necessary for where it's aiming, but agree it misses the mark.
Overall the thing's too random for me, but it has some good stuff going on. Still, why the weird spacing? Am I missing something, or is that just how you were "grooving" at the time?
yeah that was just how I rolled, man.
I lived that moment once before... and many times after. The poem doesn't feel random or lacking to me at all. Then again, I'm perhaps an altogether different breed. Ten.
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Line 13 - "birds".