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the only thing worse than living (revised, liberated) (Free verse) by Bill Z Bub
the only thing worse than living is the drone of unhooked phone. get stoned, and find that warm spot by the heater. an unexpected note and simple handshake are profound. death will come anyway, so wash out that wound, listen to the sound of morning traffic and don't forget to smash that asshole in the face when he comes around to collect.

Down the ladder: welcome home

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Arithmetic Mean: 8.5
Weighted score: 5.1659904
Overall Rank: 5078
Posted: July 6, 2006 9:43 AM PDT; Last modified: March 4, 2009 6:56 AM PST
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[8] Ranger @ | 6-Jul-06/2:21 PM | Reply
Why the hell's this been zeroed?

Line 13 - "birds".
[n/a] Bill Z Bub @ > Ranger | 6-Jul-06/2:28 PM | Reply
Fair enough.
[8] ecargo @ | 10-Jul-06/8:54 AM | Reply
"(revised, liberated)"--hee.

I like how you get started. The "get stoned" seems too pat/rhymey as is--I'm not a big fan of second person perspectives ("you"), but I think adding "you" (or better, IMO, "I," making it about YOU, the person in the poem), as in "you get stoned, find that warm spot . . .) would make it flow better. I like the off/near rhyming (e.g., profound/wound/sound) and even the lack of a structured rhyme scheme--keeps it loose. "of morning's traffic at your window" seems wordy--maybe just "of morning traffic"? Sort of brings it to a pause. Last verse kind of loses me--seems out of spirit/feeling with the rest of the poem (aggressive where the rest is sort of languid).
[7] nentwined @ > ecargo | 5-Mar-09/9:51 PM | Reply
I think the shift at the last is kind of necessary for where it's aiming, but agree it misses the mark.

Overall the thing's too random for me, but it has some good stuff going on.

Still, why the weird spacing? Am I missing something, or is that just how you were "grooving" at the time?
[n/a] Bill Z Bub @ > nentwined | 5-Mar-09/9:57 PM | Reply
yeah that was just how I rolled, man.
[10] SupremeDreamer @ | 7-Mar-09/2:37 PM | Reply
I lived that moment once before... and many times after. The poem doesn't feel random or lacking to me at all. Then again, I'm perhaps an altogether different breed. Ten.
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