ecargo10 Jul 2006

"(revised, liberated)"--hee.

I like how you get started. The "get stoned" seems too pat/rhymey as is--I'm not a big fan of second person perspectives ("you"), but I think adding "you" (or better, IMO, "I," making it about YOU, the person in the poem), as in "you get stoned, find that warm spot . . .) would make it flow better. I like the off/near rhyming (e.g., profound/wound/sound) and even the lack of a structured rhyme scheme--keeps it loose. "of morning's traffic at your window" seems wordy--maybe just "of morning traffic"? Sort of brings it to a pause. Last verse kind of loses me--seems out of spirit/feeling with the rest of the poem (aggressive where the rest is sort of languid).