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Final Dates, part 1: through gates of smoke and salt (Prose Poem) by Bill Z Bub
Italian isn't always a good bet. So complex and savoury, but it sits heavy in the stomach, and the wine sours. I recommend the fresh sushi sampler, and then a stiff drink to cleanse the palate. Kisses go well with the taste of Absinthe and tears and when your breath freezes in the air and hangs from my forehead like a veil shining in the light of passing taxicabs. Once we wandered through gates of smoke and salt. Your hair is so long now, I said. And so red. I remembered when it was almost too short to hook between my fingers as I would pull back your head and clasp my mouth to the pulse of your neck. Later you shaved your head and left me no grasp. Your skin is still nearly translucent, though it was never possible to see through you. Wearing black boots with three inch heels, you seemed aloof as Michaelangelo, examining some photograph in a gallery, scratching down technical notes and ideas, your sideways brain probing all that crossed your path. The gods must have read the constant sigil of my unsettled intent, and laughed darkly, for there you were, your cheek against my neck. You told me a secret, and I could feel your tears on my shoulder, seeping into the fabric of my shirt. I felt guilty for being happy that I was holding you in my arms again. Soon, or much later, we realized we had been deserted by our companions. I wanted to make a toast to friendship, but the drink was bitter. It's easier to just sit with you and hold your hand, fingers so long and delicate against the slab of my palm. The music crackles; the DJ scratches, skips a beat, and moves on.


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Arithmetic Mean: 8.5
Weighted score: 5.1659904
Overall Rank: 5029
Posted: March 5, 2009 10:30 PM PST; Last modified: March 6, 2009 6:05 AM PST
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Comments:
[8] nentwined @ 75.83.196.201 | 5-Mar-09/10:51 PM | Reply
god damn dude.

yeah, that's personal. and eloquent. and evocative--I can feel it.

The odd thing is I feel like it hits too close to home to crit, but if I step back a bit, it's not my home.

So: if I were reading this @ GUD, I'd be thinking, wondering... this is really beautiful. But is there enough of a story, enough of an arc, enough "other" on top of the punch to the gut and its beauty? And I don't know, there. I'd let it sit and hope to get some response from others. And I think the response would tend to depend on who read it next.
[n/a] Bill Z Bub @ 99.239.12.102 > nentwined | 5-Mar-09/11:05 PM | Reply
see I told ya. I really wanted to get rid of the entire last stanza (not counting the final two lines), because it sounds a little out there... also I just realized I may have used language that seems to imply there was some kind of actual drinking of blood going on... I'd like to state for the record that there was no drinking of or intentional drawing of blood for the purpose of imbibing said substance in this poem. I think. So any vampirism implied is purely metaphorical.
[n/a] Bill Z Bub @ 99.239.12.102 > Bill Z Bub | 5-Mar-09/11:09 PM | Reply
should say "in this poem or in any actual events inspiring it".

Not that there's anything wrong with that.
[8] nentwined @ 75.83.196.201 > Bill Z Bub | 5-Mar-09/11:25 PM | Reply
:heh: Not that there's anything wrong with that, so long as, you know, "safe and sane". But I didn't actually pick up on that in this, so maybe others won't, as well. :)
[n/a] Bill Z Bub @ 99.239.12.102 | 6-Mar-09/5:41 AM | Reply
...aaaaand I now regret posting this. Ah my old friend regret. Never seem able to get rid of you.
[8] nentwined @ 75.83.196.201 > Bill Z Bub | 6-Mar-09/7:35 AM | Reply
bah, and fie on regret!
[n/a] Bill Z Bub @ 99.239.12.102 > nentwined | 6-Mar-09/10:28 PM | Reply
I don't want to infringe on the privacy of others, and I just realized that my identity here is no longer a mystery. Thus the identity of the "you" in this pome would be rather easy to discover.
[n/a] Bill Z Bub @ 99.239.12.102 | 6-Mar-09/6:09 AM | Reply
Deleted second half of this. Now it is incomplete, but then, it IS part one. The story isn't over, is never over until the two old ravens fly free and the the words become meaningless scratches in the clay of our existence.
[9] SupremeDreamer @ 75.30.177.160 | 7-Mar-09/2:19 PM | Reply
"Soon, or much later": Pick either _soon_, or _much later_. It gnaws at me.

That aside, it's a exquisite piece that's got a lot of soul and personal depth. Nine.
[n/a] Bill Z Bub @ 99.239.12.102 > SupremeDreamer | 9-Mar-09/5:53 PM | Reply
I didn't pick one because its meant to imply a timeless moment. Thanks for the nine and the kind words.
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