Re: Gilded Lily by drnick	12-Oct-06/2:01 PM
I'm not sure where you're going with this. You're rid of do/does except for line 6 - I can't see a reason for it. It feels pseudo-archaic, is that the intention? I love the title, and also the repetition of 'forgive', it's kind of a sarcastic petition to a lord/lady/deity. Just the language feels uncertain.
Re: weather poem part 1: the wolf journal by nypoet22	13-Oct-06/3:53 AM
Yes, nice. I like the opening stanza, although I think Dovina might have a point about getting a bit prosaic from 'Chills run you through...' to 'bathroom mirror'. After all, you start with the trademark 'Everyone mentions the weather', which has a really smooth beat to it - ONE-two-three ONE-two-three ONE-two (with the final 'two' being slightly more emphasised than the previous twos), so to lose/abandon that musical quality seems a shame, especially in a longer piece like this. Not that you have to stick to that rhythm for the entire piece, of course, but you know what I mean. No complaints with the content; I was intrigued to see 'a day deconstructed' (nice line, by the way) as I'm currently destroying my soul trying to write a poem inspired by/for Derrida. However...given the first stanza (and the title of 'wolf journal'...and the fact I'm something of a Tolkien freak) I kind of hoped this would have a little more fantastical imagery. Maybe an alternative version could run that way?
Re: Pump the Guns by oddgreenout	13-Oct-06/3:55 AM
Nice idea, could do with a little more punctuation. Line one - 'then'?
regarding some deleted poem...	13-Oct-06/5:34 PM
As a story it's fine, other than needing a run through with the grammar comb. As a poem it needs rhythm and some poetic devices. Onomatopoeia would be nice in this...'Old hinges create old sounds' - but you haven't actually given me any sounds. Same with the footfalls; you've told me what's there but not made me hear it. Don't like 'pseudo sleep', it's too Greek for a poem which is otherwise (Spartan aside) fairly Latinate in tone. It's also too unpoetic for my tastes; find a more original, interesting way of saying it. That's my take on it, in any case. Anyway, this probably isn't of much use to you.
Re: My heart belongs to you by creepshow	13-Oct-06/5:36 PM
Um, I guess you don't much like her any more.
Re: A Poetry Reading by Dovina	13-Oct-06/5:39 PM
Did I say before that this reminded me of 'Mr. Tanner'? It's the last line that does it. I'd try and make the last word of each stanza end on a stressed syllable; it feels like it needs a little more finality in the piece.
regarding some deleted poem...	14-Oct-06/4:27 PM
Lines three and six miss the rhythm. 'in the cat I wrapped'? Is that leading on from the title - 'Conscience in the cat I wrapped...'? Otherwise there doesn't appear to be anything in the cat that you wrapped, except maybe a bird and the urgent need to relieve its bow'ls. Why only capitalise 'I'? Why not punctuate a bit more? Why am I asking all these questions?
Re: Being Called Dave by ?-Dave_Mysterious-?	16-Oct-06/8:53 AM
Genius.
Re: Four and a half paragraphs of silence by ?-Dave_Mysterious-?	16-Oct-06/9:00 AM
Yours is the finest username on poemeranker. -?-
Re: Work by half.italian	16-Oct-06/12:51 PM
Which film? It sounds vaguely American Beauty-esque.
Re: Do you fit in-to the dark? by Hostileintent	16-Oct-06/12:53 PM
Have you ever thought of rhyme As some sort of metric crime?
Re: Crappy by drnick	17-Oct-06/3:58 AM
Heh. Line 5 needs punctuating, and the final rhyme is too direct - all the rest are loose/half rhymes. 'Sure you could rewrite the world' makes me think this was written about a computer programmer/serial gamer.
Re: Your Eyes by Dovina	17-Oct-06/3:07 PM
Nice
Re: A Beard Most Foul by wFraser Allonby Q.C.w	20-Oct-06/10:56 AM
-10-
Re: Prologue by Dovina	21-Oct-06/5:23 PM
Excellent, D. I think this could be read as a monologue (referencing back to the title) wherein the poet is arguing with him/herself, or it could be an exchange between two. Do you know, if half the people on All Poetry took this view, the amount of poems online would be reduced by a massive percentage?
Re: Canada by PodPoet	21-Oct-06/5:40 PM
You're not from Canada, I see. Check out the Arrogant Worms' self-penned national anthem, 'Canada's Really Big'.
Re: Tennesee Waterfall by razorgrin	23-Oct-06/8:33 AM
I've heard it called a Kentucky Falls before; you guys must have some weird water features.
Re: The Day Habeas Corpus Died by Wakeboarder20	23-Oct-06/8:37 AM
Neat idea
Re: Take that thing off your head by lukehanney	23-Oct-06/4:13 PM
I do believe that this is about Jade Goody's wedding day...
Re: Golden Times by cpill	24-Oct-06/3:43 AM
It is an unbreakable and universal law of poetry that you must always rhyme 'pie-man' with 'Simon', if you are to rhyme 'pie-man' at all.