on Being Called Dave by ?-Dave_Mysterious-?
16 Oct 2006, 8:53 AM
Genius.
on Four and a half paragraphs of silence by ?-Dave_Mysterious-?
16 Oct 2006, 9:00 AM
Yours is the finest username on poemeranker. -?-
on Work by half.italian
16 Oct 2006, 12:51 PM
Which film? It sounds vaguely American Beauty-esque.
on Do you fit in-to the dark? by Hostileintent
16 Oct 2006, 12:53 PM
Have you ever thought of rhyme
As some sort of metric crime?
As some sort of metric crime?
Excellent, D. I think this could be read as a monologue (referencing back to the title) wherein the poet is arguing with him/herself, or it could be an exchange between two.
Do you know, if half the people on All Poetry took this view, the amount of poems online would be reduced by a massive percentage?
Do you know, if half the people on All Poetry took this view, the amount of poems online would be reduced by a massive percentage?
on Tennesee Waterfall by razorgrin
23 Oct 2006, 8:33 AM
I've heard it called a Kentucky Falls before; you guys must have some weird water features.
on The Day Habeas Corpus Died by Wakeboarder20
23 Oct 2006, 8:37 AM
Neat idea
on Golden Times by cpill
24 Oct 2006, 3:43 AM
It is an unbreakable and universal law of poetry that you must always rhyme 'pie-man' with 'Simon', if you are to rhyme 'pie-man' at all.
on Take that thing off your head by lukehanney
23 Oct 2006, 4:13 PM
I do believe that this is about Jade Goody's wedding day...
on A Beard Most Foul by wFraser Allonby Q.C.w
20 Oct 2006, 10:56 AM
-10-
on some deleted poem
14 Oct 2006, 4:27 PM
Lines three and six miss the rhythm. 'in the cat I wrapped'? Is that leading on from the title - 'Conscience in the cat I wrapped...'? Otherwise there doesn't appear to be anything in the cat that you wrapped, except maybe a bird and the urgent need to relieve its bow'ls.
Why only capitalise 'I'? Why not punctuate a bit more? Why am I asking all these questions?
Why only capitalise 'I'? Why not punctuate a bit more? Why am I asking all these questions?
on Gilded Lily by drnick
12 Oct 2006, 2:01 PM
I'm not sure where you're going with this. You're rid of do/does except for line 6 - I can't see a reason for it. It feels pseudo-archaic, is that the intention? I love the title, and also the repetition of 'forgive', it's kind of a sarcastic petition to a lord/lady/deity. Just the language feels uncertain.
on weather poem part 1: the wolf journal by nypoet22
13 Oct 2006, 3:53 AM
Yes, nice. I like the opening stanza, although I think Dovina might have a point about getting a bit prosaic from 'Chills run you through...' to 'bathroom mirror'. After all, you start with the trademark 'Everyone mentions the weather', which has a really smooth beat to it - ONE-two-three ONE-two-three ONE-two (with the final 'two' being slightly more emphasised than the previous twos), so to lose/abandon that musical quality seems a shame, especially in a longer piece like this. Not that you have to stick to that rhythm for the entire piece, of course, but you know what I mean. No complaints with the content; I was intrigued to see 'a day deconstructed' (nice line, by the way) as I'm currently destroying my soul trying to write a poem inspired by/for Derrida.
However...given the first stanza (and the title of 'wolf journal'...and the fact I'm something of a Tolkien freak) I kind of hoped this would have a little more fantastical imagery. Maybe an alternative version could run that way?
However...given the first stanza (and the title of 'wolf journal'...and the fact I'm something of a Tolkien freak) I kind of hoped this would have a little more fantastical imagery. Maybe an alternative version could run that way?
on Pump the Guns by oddgreenout
13 Oct 2006, 3:55 AM
Nice idea, could do with a little more punctuation.
Line one - 'then'?
Line one - 'then'?
on some deleted poem
13 Oct 2006, 5:34 PM
As a story it's fine, other than needing a run through with the grammar comb. As a poem it needs rhythm and some poetic devices. Onomatopoeia would be nice in this...'Old hinges create old sounds' - but you haven't actually given me any sounds. Same with the footfalls; you've told me what's there but not made me hear it.
Don't like 'pseudo sleep', it's too Greek for a poem which is otherwise (Spartan aside) fairly Latinate in tone. It's also too unpoetic for my tastes; find a more original, interesting way of saying it. That's my take on it, in any case.
Anyway, this probably isn't of much use to you.
Don't like 'pseudo sleep', it's too Greek for a poem which is otherwise (Spartan aside) fairly Latinate in tone. It's also too unpoetic for my tastes; find a more original, interesting way of saying it. That's my take on it, in any case.
Anyway, this probably isn't of much use to you.
on My heart belongs to you by creepshow
13 Oct 2006, 5:36 PM
Um, I guess you don't much like her any more.
on A Poetry Reading by Dovina
13 Oct 2006, 5:39 PM
Did I say before that this reminded me of 'Mr. Tanner'? It's the last line that does it.
I'd try and make the last word of each stanza end on a stressed syllable; it feels like it needs a little more finality in the piece.
I'd try and make the last word of each stanza end on a stressed syllable; it feels like it needs a little more finality in the piece.