| Re: Poem from a gurney by INTRANSIT |
10-Oct-06/12:23 PM |
Nice, the wine/blood analogy isn't the most original but you work it well. Is Mary the recipient or a nurse (matron)?
Could get rid of some of 'the' in a couple of places perhaps, I don't think it'll interfere with the rhythm.
What do you mean by 'dear miserables'? Is it to people who've managed to guilt-trip you into donating, or am I missing something?
'My wholeness goes where needed' is lovely :-)
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| Re: Dead Inside by drnick |
10-Oct-06/12:28 PM |
Flows well, and you control it nicely. With a title like this it could easily have gone into a quasi-emo self-pitying mire, but I like the way you've dealt with the content. I can't really think of much else to say that'll be any use, I'm a bit useless at the moment. Struggling to write, myself, right now.
No blog entries recently?
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
10-Oct-06/12:54 PM |
I can't shake the feeling in stanza 3 that it could be re-arranged/altered a bit to flow more easily. Some of the stresses are scattered, and I can't find an easy way of reading it. In all honesty, I'm on an iambic hyper-trip these days which is probably clouding my vision further, but still. Perhaps just trimming a few words for the sake of conciseness would do the trick.
Stanza 2 is lovely - I wish you didn't have to use graffiti though (I know you're reporting what's actually there, if only it wasn't...). Ruined farmyard scenes can still be beautiful, the graffiti spoils it irretrievably though.
Would prefer the last stanza to be shorn of 'I' in a couple of places, other than that, I enjoyed this as much as any of yours :-)
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
11-Oct-06/1:46 AM |
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| Re: WITH GOD , NOT THEM (1) by stevopoet |
11-Oct-06/1:49 AM |
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You've got some good ideas in here, but it could do with the rhythm tightening up and some of the lines paring down. 'Thousands nursing fats of them in charge' doesn't make sense to me. Good ending, it brings it back to the opeining quote nicely.
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| Re: To My Love by Lola |
11-Oct-06/1:50 AM |
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Sweet and concise, he's very lucky :-)
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| Re: Timing by Dovina |
11-Oct-06/1:56 AM |
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Nice write, if you edit this maybe look at making all the line endings strong - there are a couple of weak endings which disrupted the rhythm a little for me.
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| Re: Music That Cannot Exist by Fetylum |
11-Oct-06/3:13 AM |
I vaguely remember reading this years ago. The blue butterflies seem to be blue flashing lights on the windscreen. Maybe your heads are bobbing in time with the sirens? Having set it up with 'Don't smoke crack' this could be a computer game that appears totally real at the time. 'Homey cliffside'? I don't get that, maybe it's more American than I'm used to.
Could do with some of the commas disappearing, but this was a pretty fun read :-)
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| Re: love song by <~> |
11-Oct-06/3:30 AM |
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Mmmmm...still turns me on....haven't played for years though, maybe I should take it up again.
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| Re: Words (Final Version) by Wakeboarder20 |
11-Oct-06/12:56 PM |
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Don't like the initial cliche (wearing heart on sleeve), the rest is fine.
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| Re: Jesus Around Your Neck (Final Version) by Wakeboarder20 |
11-Oct-06/12:58 PM |
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| Re: The Mandarin by Caducus |
11-Oct-06/1:05 PM |
Ummm...I kind of like this, but it feels unfinished. The imagery is solid, except maybe you could describe the ring a bit more, and also the picture. I really don't like the penultimate line, 'fuck' used up all its shock value the first time, stands out as a hard line end in amidst 6 soft endings, and the whole line seems unnecessary. I mean, what circumstances could there possibly be in which you did actually think of a picture of your father while having sex?
13 photo frames? Is the number significant, other than being unlucky?
Love the first two lines, and I think I like the last one too.
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| Re: Perversions by razorgrin |
11-Oct-06/1:16 PM |
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| Re: Old Friend by drnick |
12-Oct-06/1:12 AM |
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| Re: October by A_Dark_Calm |
12-Oct-06/1:17 AM |
Sweet, very sweet. I'd like to see the rhythm you start with continued all the way through - some of the shorter lines in particular disrupt the way it runs. The end of stanza one is to die for ('a day has passed and left me 30/more before she's back at home' works wonders). Perhaps you could trim a few occasions of 'love' here and there - by the time I got to the end, the word had lost a lot of its impact through the repetitions.
Still a lovely, lovely read :-)
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| Re: my memories by fiefofum |
12-Oct-06/1:20 AM |
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Intriguing time capsule thoughts. Couple of typos.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
12-Oct-06/1:34 AM |
Not bad, why submitting it 3 times?
(A gut well shanked by other men!)
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| Re: People vs Corps. by Jack Diamond |
12-Oct-06/10:48 AM |
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Like the play of words in the title - corps/corpse. Could turn this into a zombie poem if you tried, still carrying the same message. Typo throughout - "ones" ("'" for possessive or compounding). I think there should be a comma in line 21 between 'me' and 'I'm'. 'Buy at Target'? Is there a pun there that I'm missing? Decent write though.
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| Re: Love Trail by D. $ Fontera |
12-Oct-06/10:49 AM |
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
12-Oct-06/1:57 PM |
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This is screaming out for iambic rhythm, or at least a gentle bobbing to make my head go up and down. Use the rhythm to imitate the losing of sanity, or the melting of right and wrong. As it stands it feels like prose. Good prose, but prose nonetheless. I love the ideas within, it just wants caching out.
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