poemranker ::The Mandarin by Caducus

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Free verse № 147263

The Mandarin

by Caducus

Member since 2002 · Posted 11 Oct 2006 · 6 comments

A half peeled mandarin brought it home to me She had left me. It laid next to the ring I gave her And five years of notes I wrote her, The kind only women keep. I walked upstairs noticing the vacuum cleaner Still warm from principal And in the bedroom laid where she woke Were 13 photo frames Face down like the way she liked to be fucked, She left only one of me standing. In the picture I was being held by my Father On a beach I don’t recall But I never forgot that image, It comes to me when I’m loving Yet never when I fuck And I smell mandarins whenever I’m alone

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6 comments

[7] Ranger 11-Oct-06/1:05 PM Reply
Ummm...I kind of like this, but it feels unfinished. The imagery is solid, except maybe you could describe the ring a bit more, and also the picture. I really don't like the penultimate line, 'fuck' used up all its shock value the first time, stands out as a hard line end in amidst 6 soft endings, and the whole line seems unnecessary. I mean, what circumstances could there possibly be in which you did actually think of a picture of your father while having sex?
13 photo frames? Is the number significant, other than being unlucky?
Love the first two lines, and I think I like the last one too.
[7] pete 11-Oct-06/1:47 PM Reply
when i'm loving, yet never when i fuck ... yeah, that's nice , the 2 fucks work i think, but how about when you fuck while you're loving ... freud would probably have a ball here...what with dad and all .. :)
[9] INTRANSIT 12-Oct-06/7:24 AM Reply
Line one delete- to me and insert 2 dashes
same for line four (I wrote her) can go for two dashes.
Drop (noticing), drop laid,drop yet,drop and.

There's still something missing from the parts dealing with your father. Can't pinpoint it yet. Good to see you still plugging away. Fuckin' rough aint it?
[9] nypoet22 › INTRANSIT 12-Oct-06/6:52 PM Reply
maybe just end line one on home, because home is where the scene is set.
[n/a] Jack Diamond 12-Oct-06/9:58 AM Reply
This gives me an image of a person still trying to grasp the concept of caring for another person, but still arrogant as fuck.
There are still many people like that out wondering
how things went wrong, and why.
Good sense of how the modern man is still confused about real principals.
[9] nypoet22 12-Oct-06/6:49 PM Reply
very nice imagery.

one grammar issue though. unless there's some other reason for line 3 being the way it is, i think "It lay next to the ring I had given her," would make much more sense.

The following link explains why:

http://www.bartleby.com/64/C003/0192.html