Re: Colors of Me by MissUnderstood	30-Sep-06/6:39 AM
Yeah, I quite liked this. 'My heart is red, my mood is blue' is overused - but following it with 'My thoughts are sort of gray' makes it work, in my opinion. I'd alter the last line (it's very Linkin Park-y, whereas the rest is a bit more delicate). Keep writing rhythmic poetry (this is good), originality will come in time.
Re: Weather poem part 5: the cold dusk by nypoet22	30-Sep-06/6:48 AM
A collection of haikus, unless I'm very much mistaken. This is good - it carries a certain amount of angst, but deals with it exceptionally well. The last stanza works wonders with the juxtaposing of release and hell, even if 'and hell,' is just an exclamatory expression. I'm not sure if you meant it in the sense of 'night brings release and hell/I miss her'. If so, bonus kudos!
regarding some deleted poem...	1-Oct-06/1:45 PM
The final stanza is great - 'the ghosts of previous conquests'. I felt throughout, though, that it could do with being a bit more concise. For instance, the first stanza (third line in particular) is really just prose. There are some good images in here (whisky sweat) and some cliched ones too (star-spangled). It would have more impact without the cliches. 'Proto-hero' - I like, but again, that stanza is more or less prose with extra line breaks. I also wonder whether you could capture the impact of the cocaine without referring to it directly? Give us the clues, make us work it out. That all being said, though, the story is solid and there are some nice passages in here. And, as I said, the last line is magnificent. Welcome to poemranker :-)
regarding some deleted poem...	1-Oct-06/4:16 PM
Nice, a swirly sort of rhythm to this. You might want to trim some of the weak (feminine) endings in places, but in others they work. And I'd do away with 'clouds and stars above' - it wants something more inventive there. An enjoyable sensation to this though :-)
Re: Peter by Wakeboarder20	1-Oct-06/4:20 PM
The stanzas don't really connect with each other. I'm dying to say 'change pawn to prawne', that would at least give a bit of continuity with the sinking and the ship. But seriously, this doesn't really carry much meaning to me. I know you've got something to say, and I guess I can see what you're saying...but it doesn't grab me, in this form. I don't really know what to suggest, other than getting a continuous link throughout the poem.
Re: Street Preacher by Dovina	2-Oct-06/1:37 PM
It felt like prose up until stanza 5, then it morphed into rap, and the last stanza was different again. I don't really know what else to think of this, it didn't do much for me I'm afraid.
regarding some deleted poem...	3-Oct-06/2:13 AM
Surely it should be a 'qwerty' interface? Camden?
Re: Weather Poem part 4: Cleaning Day by nypoet22	3-Oct-06/2:15 AM
Neat, very astute too. A bit awkward at 'that lemon was loaded' - Led Zeppelin connotations there take it in a different direction to what I think you mean. I doubt many other people will see it in the same way though.
regarding some deleted poem...	4-Oct-06/3:48 PM
Neurotic psychedelia? Or just utterly spaced out? If you're a free festival kind of chap, you'd love Strangeitude-era Ozric Tentacles.
Re: The Air That Escapes His Lungs. by cleverdevice	6-Oct-06/12:07 AM
I read it as more a war poem than simply a dying breath one. The second line in the last stanza is offbeat but the rest is rather brilliant.
Re: A Night out With Chaucer by cleverdevice	6-Oct-06/12:13 AM
(Except Dick Emeree is not yett borne So comparison maye nott be drawne) Glorious But still the veggie stoode forelorn For wantinge of an juicy prawne
Re: OK, I apologize - it's steaming shite and no mistake, but it was the best I could come up with on the spur of the moment. I'm off to slit my wrists now, since writer's block has sent me spiralling into the depths of the deepest depression in human history... by Yardbird	6-Oct-06/12:18 AM
This is in the running for the awarde of 'Finest Title Of Ever'.
Re: love by *.*ReAdY To SnAp.*.	6-Oct-06/3:48 AM
Indeed. Ever considered an alternative? Train-spotting? Charity? Perudo? None of them will actually be any good, but at least you can describe them.
Re: weather poem part 3: the hurricane (renga) by nypoet22	7-Oct-06/3:17 AM
Wow. This is really, really good. I don't know the idea behind the form, but I assume the repetitions are part of the structure? Even if not, they work well. Some awesome language (hurricaned street, mouth jacked open) although I've got to admit that a few words here and there didn't appeal to me (munching, mangled, and a few others) purely because I'm a bit of a snob poetically and like lots and lots of eloquent language ;-) In all honesty though, I'm going to have to come back and read this several times to take it all in (as should be the case with all good poetry). There are thirty-something haikus in here, and if done well that should make this poem (while not actually *that* long in comparison with much poetry) mind-blowingly full of images, ideas and hidden nuances that require slow reading to find. And on first sight, this IS mind-blowing.
Re: All I Can Hear Is A Rattle by colbaby	7-Oct-06/3:19 AM
Needs work on the flow, but amusing.
regarding some deleted poem...	7-Oct-06/3:21 AM
'No name faces' - as in, 'nameless faces'? I'd look for something a little more inventive than that to close the poem. School poem about bullying? That's how I read it - with some refinement it will be pretty good, in my opinion :-)
Re: A Scientist’s Prayer by Dovina	8-Oct-06/1:41 AM
'Let anger undue pretense' is off-rhythm, and I'm not sure it actually scans. There are some good lines in here ('ruling dullards with the ax' made me smile) and the first two stanzas had a nice loose rhyme scheme, but it was missing after that. I'll always say that devotional poems are incredibly difficult to write without being too personal or uninteresting. Just the very nature of them, I guess.
Re: Wanking In The Bucket by Edna Sweetlove	8-Oct-06/1:42 AM
The title is ace!
Re: weather poem part 2: to do list by nypoet22	10-Oct-06/2:05 AM
Amusing list, as a standalone it probably doesn't make for a great deal but with the whole collection I can see this working. Are you intending on publishing them in the near future, or further expanding, or neither?
Re: Islands by helenwales	10-Oct-06/2:16 AM
Figure out a fix for the stresses and the rhythm, and this could work.