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Peter (Free verse) by Wakeboarder20 A ghost appears in the form of a man.
Speaking in parables about the unknown
claiming to be the son of God.
Through him I see a door wide open and beckoning.
I find my courage and walk through
leaving all I am behind on that rickety boat.
The impossible becomes possible
but stricken by logic
the impossible strikes back.
Screaming for help
and sinking like a stone.
He grabs my arm and saves me
asking me why I would doubt
lose faith in what I saw before me
and what I never knew I could do
but did all the same.
Up the ladder:
One More Try
Down the ladder:
Taste of Ash (A long project barely beginning)
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 5.0
Posted: October 1, 2006 3:47 PM PDT; Last modified: October 11, 2006 12:05 PM PDTWeighted score: 5.0 Overall Rank: 8114 Comments:
hmm... huh?
It may be a little clearer now.
I don't know the story you're referencing in enough detail to really know what's going on from the poem. It makes more sense on a line level, now, so it's not until I get to the end that I really know I don't know what's going on.
I'd change "claiming he is" to "claiming to be"--things are vague enough that there could be _another_ he... or perhaps the _parables_ are claiming that the ghost he is ... What rickety boat? That metaphor jumps away from the piece, for me, in a very confusing way. I really like "but stricken [...] strikes back". Screaming for help, sinking like a stone? What do you see?
Well, I revised the poem again. Now it's nothing like it was before. I had reread the story about Jesus walking on the water to a group of fishermen and peter walking out to Jesus. I wanted to do something with that story but couldn't think of what. Right now it's just a straight re-telling of the story. I'm going to try to think of what I can do to change it a little and get some message across.
The boat metaphor comes out of nowhere, but otherwise I like the tone. Fairly cogent, too. Apply some poetic tools and it could find a wider appeal.
The boat metaphor cane from the story of Jesus walking on water. According to the Bible, Jesus walked on water out to a fishing boat in the middle of a storm. Peter happened to be on that boat and asked Jesus to ask him to follow and Jesus did. So Peter got off of the boat and started to walk on water. But he began to lose faith (either in himself or Jesus, it's up to the reader to figure that out) and he began to sink. He called out to Jesus to save him and Jesus did and then asked him why he would doubt.
It's better in the edit. "What I never knew I could do
but did all the same." A good take on the story. This could use some tightening, some elimination of sidetracks. For example, the reference to parables and the unknown is really another issue, isn't it? And the boat was probably not rickety; these were professional fishermen, after all.
Thanks for the suggestions. This is not the final form of this poem so I'll consider what you said when I revise it.
That Peter was a total asshole. Why would anyone be interested in these jew fairy stories?
Hmmm. Isn't this a case of the pot calling the kettle black?
No, it's a case of the pot desperately seeking attention by trying to be funny, and failing at both. I hate it when crockery doesn't shut up. Especially when I'm dying for a cup of tea.
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Recommendation - alter one of the 'throughs' in the first stanza, the repetition doesn't work there, I don't think.
Then in Verse 2, Narroator gets confused about something that the poem does not describe. I think it would be stronger if you say what confuses him.
Verse 3 is mostly a repeat of Verse 2 and brings us no closer to an understanding of the confusion.