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Islands (Free verse) by helenwales The river runs through us,
Between us and around us,
A transparent reminder of the life we should have led,
My past, your future, divided,
Unique to our life only, dreamt,
I stretch out my fingertips to you,
But you're too busy watching the water's edge,
And I'm slipping quietly towards the deep.
Up the ladder:
Bush Fire
Down the ladder:
Egg Roll
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 4.3333335
Posted: October 9, 2006 4:45 AM PDT; Last modified: October 9, 2006 4:45 AM PDTWeighted score: 4.9205313 Overall Rank: 9528 Comments:
[6]
Dovina @ 70.38.78.229
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9-Oct-06/4:27 PM
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Reply
The opening metaphor could work, I think, if you held true to the beginning. But islands that slip, past and future divided, uniqueness to just your lives, dreamed - these things don't seem to work.
Figure out a fix for the stresses and the rhythm, and this could work.
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