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Gilded Lily (Free verse) by drnick Forgive my eyes
for they not see
your gilded image
in mine memory.
Forgive this tongue
for it does speak
those wicked words
of honesty.
Forgive a mind
for it must be
the knife I shove
right through to thee.
Forgive your heart
it tends to bleed
with socia-motional
inadequacies.
Forgive these feet
as they must leave
and the rest to follow
appropriately.
Forgive the path
for it not heed
upon reception of
indolent apologies.
Forgive yourself
for you not need
an ounce of common
respectability.
"Forgive Lily"
as she will plea
with innocent mask
dishonesty.
Up the ladder:
The Couch
Down the ladder:
Hairball
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 5.6
Posted: October 12, 2006 12:59 PM PDT; Last modified: October 12, 2006 12:59 PM PDTWeighted score: 5.0715218 Overall Rank: 6577 Comments:
[7]
Ranger @ 62.252.32.15
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12-Oct-06/2:01 PM
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Reply
I'm not sure where you're going with this. You're rid of do/does except for line 6 - I can't see a reason for it. It feels pseudo-archaic, is that the intention? I love the title, and also the repetition of 'forgive', it's kind of a sarcastic petition to a lord/lady/deity. Just the language feels uncertain.
[n/a]
drnick @ 24.176.22.254
> Ranger
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12-Oct-06/7:39 PM
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Reply
That's because there was no reason other that to eliminate them were I thought they'd interfere with the rhythem. Not completely intentional, I was going for the servant speaking to his master psuedo-dialect...which I didn't think would be a huge problem, but(!) apparently it is not working out here. Hmm, I'm not sure I could fix this without completely scrapping it...I dunno, we'll see. I mean I do have so much free time ;]
[7]
Ranger @ 62.252.32.15
> drnick
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13-Oct-06/4:18 AM
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Reply
Well, 'they not see' makes little sense as it is. You could have said 'they don't see', and still kept the feel of speaking to someone higher up the social chain. Socia-motional doesn't fit the theme though, although I like the idea of it. You don't need to scrap it - a few fixes here and there will get the motor running again, I'd say. And you physics students have it easy. It's not as though you do a taxing, strenuous subject like...um, philosophy...
to have the word "thee" followed shortly thereafter by the word "socio-emotional" shows the inconsistency of language use here. every work has some inconsistencies, but the language and grammar of this one is really all over the place.
I was under the presumption that one, when writing poetry, has some slack when it comes to grammer and such...but I suppose I was a little pretentious in this case. Haha, it seems like the grammer really bothered you...i hope you can forgive me!
Too many inverted sentences but good cadence.
I like the appearance of "Lily" near the end. But why in quotes? The mis-grammar is so consistent that I see it's intentional. By half way through this, I get the style of it, which was confusing at first. I think it's a style that would take either a long poem or a series of poems to make sense of.
203 view(s)
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