| Re: The parameters of speech. by leon lyman |
24-Oct-06/3:44 AM |
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Excellent. Might want a comma between letter and fencing in line 2.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
26-Oct-06/1:21 AM |
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I'm astonished that nobody's given you the inevitable 'the change will do you good'...
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| Re: # 2 by Lifeboatman |
26-Oct-06/1:24 AM |
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This is good in places and not-so-good in others. 'Me, you and Solitude...' is good. 'There never was a king who us did rule; society had branded us fools' is not so good. Have a comb through the grammar, and reverse about 75% of the word order inversions. That's what I'd do, anyway.
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| Re: Consider this by MacFrantic |
27-Oct-06/4:33 AM |
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Now choose...the red pill - or the blue pill...
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
27-Oct-06/4:34 AM |
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Tenning this out of sheer principle. Also because the first stanza is utter genius.
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| Re: Suburban Spleen by Sasha |
30-Oct-06/2:19 AM |
Excellent - I've missed your villanelles. Typo line 14 - 'unconscious'. Your refrains are extremely well-worked here and keep a constant flow, which isn't easy in a vil. I also quite like the occasional extra rhyme ('on', 'pawn'). It's almost contradictory though, the bleakness contained within such a beautiful form. It seems to demand a certain eloquence of language which undermines all the boredom represented.
'With the nuisance of a ray' is the best line here.
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| Re: Still by half.italian |
31-Oct-06/6:40 AM |
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It's really scattered - more a collection of half-connected thoughts. I guess maybe that's what you're aiming at; if so they're a bit too independently crisp and sharp to be dreamy thoughts.
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| Re: The Hunter, the Hunted, and the Bystander by Dovina |
3-Nov-06/9:51 AM |
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Nicely iambic for the most part. Is this from a film?
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| Re: For Elizabeth, Wherever She May Be by wilco |
4-Nov-06/8:28 AM |
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Reads well, sounds better :-)
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
4-Nov-06/8:37 AM |
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There's some nice wordplay in here - fluent/fluid (embalmed), and 'wisens' works well with its double meaning. 'Carpet' may be a little too modern for the more historical language, or it might just be my nitpicking. I like it, but there's something nagging at me - I'll come back to this later and see if I can work out what it is.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
6-Nov-06/9:45 AM |
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You're bored, aren't you?
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| Re: Bagni di Lucca by Sasha |
6-Nov-06/9:46 AM |
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I'll trust you to have got the translation right. Is this a form of sonnet?
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| Re: Accusation by INTRANSIT |
8-Nov-06/11:04 AM |
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| Re: Three Worlds by Dovina |
14-Nov-06/5:43 AM |
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'Weasel doing in the goose'? That's too much Brixton at 3am for me. Either that, or it means something which I dread to imagine. Stanza 4 is really good. I'm surprised that you didn't include the recurring images (river/brook, weasel/goose, sun) in stanza 2 though. Line 9 misses the rhythm - could do with fixing. The rhymes work well though.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
14-Nov-06/5:48 AM |
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www.travelreportranker.com is in dire need of your talents.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
15-Nov-06/6:54 AM |
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*groan* that's the sort of terrible pun I usually love ;-)
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| Re: Just words by aliena |
15-Nov-06/6:55 AM |
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Fair enough. You might want line 12 to be 'because today I wanted to create' - just to keep tense consistency with the line after.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
16-Nov-06/11:14 AM |
***Newsflash (An Update that is not an Commente)***
Kazakhstani officials are threatening to sue Sacha Baron Cohen over the way their country is portrayed in the Borat movie. -10-
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| Re: Street Talkers (Amnesiac) by Fear of Garbage |
16-Nov-06/11:19 AM |
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'He keeps babies hugged inside his hollowed bowels' is a -=Dark_Angel=- line if ever I heard one.
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| Re: For China by Fear of Garbage |
16-Nov-06/11:28 AM |
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Aside from 'gloppy', this is excellent
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