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The Hunter, the Hunted, and the Bystander (Free verse) by Dovina
Into the vacant lot he drove, headlights almost caught me. Behind a car I crouched for one more wager, one less death. Through the glass I saw his eyes scan the boys and girls. Through the night I watched him, safe as hunted life affords. Curving, scanning, shining, sly, he stopped and started backing, turning ‘round, like thwarted sprite to catch me somewhere else. I watched him back and saw the boy, no more than five and standing there, unconcerned and playing, just behind the car. I knew that I should shout, but shouting springs a trap. So silently I watched and feared the thud, the fall, the bounce. Still the car kept backing, its tire like a tiger’s mouth. Guilty silence held me safe, safe as hunted life affords.

Up the ladder: Being

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Arithmetic Mean: 5.0
Weighted score: 5.0
Overall Rank: 7618
Posted: November 2, 2006 5:48 AM PST; Last modified: November 2, 2006 5:48 AM PST
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Comments:
[n/a] Dental Panic @ 84.85.206.227 | 2-Nov-06/2:44 PM | Reply
the image of a tire like a tiger's mouth doesn't work over here. Also the word 'guilty' is overdone. You shouldn't mention guilt - guilt works better that way, I think.
[n/a] Dovina @ 70.38.78.229 > Dental Panic | 3-Nov-06/1:32 PM | Reply
Yeah, the tiger’s mouth is vicious, but not quite right. But then, that boulder from Raiders of the Lost Ark that almost ran over Indiana Jones, isn’t either.

The silence was, in fact, guilty, but I suppose it goes without saying.
[7] wilco @ 24.92.74.122 | 2-Nov-06/6:13 PM | Reply
how about "it's tire like that big-ass boulder from Raiders of the Lost Ark that almost ran over Indiana Jones at the beginning."
[7] INTRANSIT @ 152.163.100.6 | 3-Nov-06/6:31 AM | Reply
I'd like to know what this assholes problem is. (the driver of the car) And it's too wordy for my tastes. This one could do away with the formal stanzas.

Say, what other poetry sites are y'all using these days?
What is working for who and why.
[8] Ranger @ 62.252.32.15 > INTRANSIT | 3-Nov-06/9:50 AM | Reply
All Poetry is like this place, but with fewer genuine critiques and with more exclamation marks. I can't log in to Eratosphere at the moment though :(
[n/a] Dovina @ 70.38.78.229 > Ranger | 3-Nov-06/1:33 PM | Reply
When you do, drop a line.
[8] Ranger @ 62.252.32.15 | 3-Nov-06/9:51 AM | Reply
Nicely iambic for the most part. Is this from a film?
[n/a] Dovina @ 70.38.78.229 > Ranger | 3-Nov-06/1:34 PM | Reply
No, it's from a dream.
[8] deleted user @ 64.140.227.175 | 7-Nov-06/9:43 AM | Reply
The poem works for me except for "tiger's mouth"--I think with your talent you could find a better simile. Good work overall though--as usual.
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