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Still (Free verse) by half.italian I am building a home of glass.
The memories are scarce,
but feelings remain like blinking fate.
You are strength in beauty.
Right and left combined to smart and correct tastes.
I remember the Eiffel Tower,
proper in all of its proportions.
I remember the music in us.
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Business As Usual (Nothing Personal)
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Arithmetic Mean: 3.0
Posted: October 31, 2006 2:43 AM PST; Last modified: October 31, 2006 1:29 PM PSTWeighted score: 4.905148 Overall Rank: 9732 Comments:
[n/a]
Ranger @ 62.252.32.15
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31-Oct-06/6:40 AM
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Reply
It's really scattered - more a collection of half-connected thoughts. I guess maybe that's what you're aiming at; if so they're a bit too independently crisp and sharp to be dreamy thoughts.
I relate to scarce memories, ones that feel like they responded to fate. I don't believe in fate, but I know the feeling. I don't like the idea of "correct tastes." The Eiffel tower has an appealing shape, but it may not be a "correct taste" to everyone; if fact it is not.
Tastes are 'correct' if they are in line with mine. :) Probably shouldnt have used correct back to back like that.
Sorry, that's too arogant, even for me.
You know what, I don't think I made myself clear enough once again. I'm describing the memory of a past relationship. I am building a home of glass because I shouldn't be remembering these things. The feelings are like blinking fate because at times it feels like we should still be together. Maybe destiny is a better word here. Right and left are actualy sides of the brain; Im describing a person. I dont think its arrogant to think that somone who has similar tastes has correct taste. My taste is correct for me. Why wouldnt it be correct for the person who has the same tastes? I only mention the Eiffel Tower because of the memory of a poster of it. It is proper in its proportions because the poster was overlaid with a kind of enginnering document describing its arcs and beams etc. The more I read it, the more I like it. I don't think you need to know all the details to make it significant. But maybe it works for me because I do know the details. I try to be a bit vague in my poems intentionally to let the reader get a feeling rather than a message. When I do try to add detail I don't enjoy them as much...the feeling is gone. They should be cohesive for the uninformed reader though. Im a bit selfish in that sense. Maybe its dog shit...I don't know, but I enjoy it. I'll bet she would too. Thanks for reading Dovina.
Yes, I think it works for you because you know the details. I often fall into the same delusion â thinking that because a scene is perfectly vivid in memory or imagination, it should be easily seen by a competent reader, or at least that some similar scene should come to their mind. And itâs true that all the details should not be necessary for this to happen. I think that in trying to be vague, you have erred on the side of giving too little detail. You say that in telling us too much, you would enjoy the poem less; but I say that in telling us too little, you have led us to false conclusions. It is not dog shit, but it is confusing or nebulous to me as written. Thanks for the coherent explanation.
Too disparate see daniella's txt to Russia. The 'I am' in the first line is used to draw together the images.
I don't care about your memories, I don't care about your taste, I don't care about your poem and I don't care about the explanation you gave - you're explaining your feelings. I don't care about your feelings. Being vague isn't poetic, it's boring, most of the time.
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